I did not exactly grow up in this kind of home in that there was little spiritual content when i was young – up to nine years old. However the home I grew up in was ruled by fear and abuse.
But, I married into this kind of home and lived there for twenty years. My heart broke when I read this … this is me.
HT: Charles
I have learned in my marriage to my wonderful new husband, that is is natural for a healthy man to act in healthy ways. This may sound like an odd statement, but having grown up with an abusive, addicted father and having been married to an abusive, addicted man for 20 years, I didn’t know what ‘healthy’ would look like.
I am not only leaning what ‘healthy’ looks like, but I am also discovering that this is his ‘normal.’ He does not have to go out of his element to be this way; he is this way.
“Healthy” defined as a man (woman) who owns his (her) own stuff, takes responsibility for what is his (hers), sees himself (herself) as he (she) is, is willing and desires to develop intimacy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically (and not keep spouse at distance to conceal addiction). Certainly not perfect … but perfectly IMperfect.
VERY cool!
The need to forgive is often something given to us; rarely is it something we choose. Someone else does something that hurts us, and we are then left with the burden of needing to choose to forgive them. It is truly one of those areas of life when one realizes the truth: Life is NOT Fair.
I have spent much of my life working through forgiveness. It took me ten years to forgive my mother, but WOW! The freedom was amazing when I finally got there.
Forgiving the Unforgivable by Dr. David Stoop is an EXCELLENT book on forgiveness. It is simple yet powerful.
A few Truths about Forgiveness:
~ The depth of the offense determines the length of time needed to forgive.
~ Forgiveness has nothing to do with Trust.
~ Forgiveness is giving up your right to get even.
~ Forgiveness is a process.
This is my comment in response to Amir’s post.
To preface my comment, I will share that I have experienced this from a woman’s pov as my ex was serially unfaithful in our marriage. I also, to some extent, understand from a man’s pov b/c my husband’s first wife left him for another man.
***
reminds me of Kramer vs. Kramer. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kramer_vs._Kramer
the truth about life is that much of it is boring … routine … just, life. there are highs and lows, but most of life is just life. women who buy into the lie that routine and boring are abnormal and that they deserve better destroy many lives in their quest for what doesn’t exist. then they turn around and speak ill of all those left in their trail b/c people should just “get over it and move on” … when their wife dumps them for another man … or when their momma leaves them … or when momma leaves their dad and takes them along … or when wife/momma lets another man steal her and her kids from her husband/dad.
people who do such things think that we should all just forgive them as though someone just knocked our ice cream cone on the floor and pick ourselves up and move on like it’s no big deal. somewhere in there they know that God forgives them, but they don’t get the consequences and responsibility of their careless and reckless choices. these people think it’s all just about them and not really about anyone else.
these people also focus on everyone else’s weaknesses, cause we’ve all got ‘em, and never acknowledge their own. no marriage is perfect. no husband or wife is perfect.
the reality is that they never did face reality in the marriage, so they rarely face the reality after they destroy the marriage and all the lives involved. the consequences of these choices are LIFE-LONG and out-live the one making them. but this is a reality they refuse to accept or face.
truly, there are not enough adjectives, in any language, to describe the evil, slimey, scum that slither on the face of this earth.
The reason for writing this post was out of a bit of surprise at how prevalent this is, and yet men are the ones most often portrayed as the “bad” guys … which is a bit surprising given the reality that wives leaving their husbands is not only current, it is also not new.
My family and I went back to the small, county town my Husband grew up in this past weekend and stayed with a life-long friend he hasn’t seen in a looong time. As we sat around Friday night catching up, I was shocked, SHOCKED, at how many of the failed marriages they talked about were due to the wife leaving for another man. Actually, every single one of the numerous failed marriages was due to the wife leaving for another man ~ including my Husband’s first wife, and his friend’s first wife.
The image that women are innocent and men are ravaging wolves saturated with filthy lust and roaming eyes for a better woman than the one they’ve got is wrong. Some women are innocent. Some men are ravaging wolves. But little is mentioned in the church (or in my exposure in the church) about the fidelity (or lack thereof) of wives.
I’m still in shock at the revelations of this past weekend.
A wife/mother posted this … The Dad Life …the few comments listed have wives loving it and husband’s/dad’s not.
12 Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
from men whose words are perverse,16 It will save you also from the adulteress,
from the wayward wife with her seductive words,17 who has left the partner of her youth
and ignored the covenant she made before God. [a]18 For her house leads down to death
and her paths to the spirits of the dead.19 None who go to her return
or attain the paths of life.20 Thus you will walk in the ways of good men
and keep to the paths of the righteous.21 For the upright will live in the land,
and the blameless will remain in it;22 but the wicked will be cut off from the land,
and the unfaithful will be torn from it.
It would be interesting to hear a sermon, or two, about the wife who leaves the husband of her youth. There are many opportunities in our modern society for women, but unfaithful women, unfaithful WIVES, who leave the husband of their youth, have been around a long, long time.
I’ve been thinking lately about how our choices reflect our lives … and more poignantly, how one or two choices become the single reflection of our whole lives.
For example, if I say, “Sully,” most people here in the USA will immediately think of Captain Sullenberger and the remarkable landing he made saving 155 lives and loosing none.
If I say, “Let’s roll!” most people in the world will immediately think of Todd Beamer and his heroic choice, with the other passengers on Flight 93, to give up his life, crashing the plane, to save an untold number of other lives.
One moment, one choice, memorialized in all of time, defining one’s whole life.
These are the great choices. There are others who were not so wise. Lot’s wife, for one, will forever be remembered as the Pillar of Salt. And, Judas; the world over knows Judas.
These thoughts began rambling through my mind as I’ve pondered my ex-husband’s actions toward me. He intensely hates me. I’m not sure I know a word strong enough to describe the level of hate he has toward me. This has raised my curiosity from time-to-time over the years, and I wonder … does he see a reflection of his horrible choices every time he looks at me or deals with me?
When I was in therapy, my counselor often said, “Work through it, deal with it, make amends where necessary, then put it back on the timeline of your life where it belongs, and leave it there.” He said that applies to both when someone does something to us, and when we are the ones in the wrong.
Is there forgiveness for crimes and sins like those of my ex? Absolutely. There is forgiveness for ALL sin.
Take David, for example. David’s moment in time, his rendezvous with Bathsheba, will never be forgotten. Yet God said of David, he is a “man after my own heart.” Why? In 2 Samuel 12, when the prophet Nathan confronted David with his sin, David owned his sin and repented. Even though he and his household still bore the consequences of his sin, David blamed no one but himself, he owned his sin, and he repented. His broken heart loved God more than he loved himself and his pride. David, the adulterer and murderer, is the Man After God’s Own Heart.
Yes, we are sometimes remembered for our sin. But when we give our lives to God, when we give our hearts to Him, when we love God more than we love our pride and our reputation, when we bow before His holiness and surrender to His sword, God can lift us up and transform who and what we are … and then also who and what we are known for.
Rahab is referred to as, “Rahab the prostitute,” in the Bible. Although her sin was not erased, she was not known for her sin. Rahab the prostitute is known as the woman who hid the spies Joshua sent to Jericho, and because she did so, she saved not only her own life, but also the lives of her family, when all the others were destroyed. (Joshua 6)
When I see the evil in my ex’s eyes, all I see are the horrible sins he committed. How deeply sad. He will always be the man who made those choices. But he doesn’t have to be remembered that way. He can choose to repent and own up to his sin and to let God clean and heal and change his heart.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Psalm 51:7
A young man, very young man, from the town I moved from last year, was recently killed in combat in Afghanistan.
1990 – 2010
That’s heartbreaking to look at, isn’t it.
Thank you, young man, for serving our Country and dying for my freedom, and the freedom of my family. May God lovingly care for your grieving family and friends.
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