Amir’s previous post is poignant.
How does a marriage get to that place? How does a marriage die?
I’m not fond of this season in my life … peri-menopausal/menopausal, hormones on chemically-altered steroids (one does not need to create chemicals for chemical warfare – they only need to figure out how to harvest the hormones from all women of this age and inject them into the population!) … old enough to have a life to look back upon and yet young enough to have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life … close to being an ’empty-nester’ but wondering if/when/to what degree my sped daughter will be able to be independent.
So cleaning out some files and coming across memories is wreaking havoc on me. I kept a lot of our cards. I don’t know where exactly everything is, but I know it’s all in storage somewhere … apparently some were in the files I was cleaning out last night. I want my girls to have the choice to keep them or throw them away someday, so I’ll keep them still.
Here’s what he wrote in my birthday card a few months before we married when I turned 21:
“God has blessed me with you.
Your beauty surpasses that of Bathsheba.
Your love surpasses all understanding.
You are the light of my life and second only to God.
Thank you for being the beautiful you, at 21 until 91.
Love always and forever,”
And a year later on my next birthday:
“I am so glad you are all mine on this birthday. These last 9 1/2 months have been the best of my life, and I want to thank you for being such a wonderful part of my life. The next twenty-two years you will spend with me, and I hope we can grow together in love. Thank you for your heart full of love. With all my love,”
(btw – those first two he hand-made with construction paper! ahhhh!!!!!) In another card from probably the first several years (I didn’t date it):
“I love you for the happiness
You bring to me each day.
I love you for the kindness
Of your always-thoughtful way.
I love you for the tenderness
That lies within your heart.
I love you for the way you say
‘I’ll miss you’ when we part.
I love you for the gentle way
You cheer me when I’m sad.
I love you for the little things
You do to make me glad.
I love you for your love for me,
So constant and so true –
But most of all I love you
Just because you’re you!”
“This card says it all. I love you,”
How does a marriage go from that to a hate that seethes from his soul, through his pours, shooting poisonous daggers from his eyes?
There are no simple answers here. And as I’ve often said, I am not sin-free. I was not a perfect wife.
Amir got it right when he wrote:
(1) He or she has capitulated to a longstanding wave of lust. That may or may not include porn, but that doesn’t matter. That lust has driven such a one to flip that switch. If someone tells you “it just happened”, there is a eight-letter word for that which is deeply-rooted in our agricultural heritage.
It’s been ten years since the divorce, two years since he died. Yet the consequences of crossing that line from his imagination to the flesh live on. Again, as Amir so aptly stated:
(2) He or she has overridden every Biblical warning against adultery. Perhaps they rationalize it in terms of, “God will forgive me…just look at what He did for King David!”. They aren’t thinking straight, as they are ignoring the warnings of Solomon in Proverbs. You might note that Solomon was born to Bathsheba whom, you guessed it, David had taken as his wife after killing her husband to cover up the affair. And if you are familiar with the story, David’s life was just short of Hell on earth for the rest of his life: the first child with Bathsheba died, his family was hit with rape and murder scandals, one of his sons would mount an insurrection and publicly have sex with all of David’s wives, even his successor–Solomon–would indulge in sexual license beyond all recognition by marrying hundreds of foreign women, and this would lead to the civil war that led to a divided kingdom that would ultimately lead Israel to ruin.
To make a long story short, sin has consequences. And it isn’t simply David. Every time a car bomb goes off in Israel, just remember that all of that started when Abram took Hagar as his “wife”.
(I’m sure I’ll write more on this later as it seems this mid-life season refuses to leave in just a day!)