As the commander of the 1st Feline Battalion, it is with great sadness that I report that Recon, the most decorated officer in the history of feline operations, has died from injuries sustained in a brutal rescue mission in North Korea last fall.
He was a faithful warrior up to the very end. But the horrid conditions in North Korea–including a catastrophe that led to him evading capture for an entire week–seriously injured him. He had blown off retirement to take on that mission.
Still, he survived, making it home and even showing signs of healing from his wounds. He even mounted an impressive Presidential campaign, defeating both Trump and Biden in a landslide, only to have his rightful election stolen by Biden and Trump.
He was planning on making a run in 2024, but last week, kidney problems started mounting, and this week he stopped eating and drinking altogether. He even began to experience convulsions. His body weight had dropped 40%.
Guinness, eager to prove his bona fides with the 1st Feline Battalion, went on a solo reconnaissance mission in North Korea. Unfortunately, due to a miscommunication, he ended up a hundred miles away from his planned drop zone.
Almost immediately, he came under heavy enemy fire. Thankfully, the North Koreans can’t shoot very well. Guinness, in spite of a tremendous pursuit by North Korean Special Forces, managed to escape. Miraculously, he made it to a safe house near the border with China. Four days later, he was rescued by Allied troops.
When I showed Recon this, he told me that he’s changed his mind about making the perp drink cat urine for the rest of his life. He agreed with me that the monster who did this deserves an even worse fate… a trip to see Dr. Pasternak (Tom Clancy reference).
Meet Guinness. He is formerly of the Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Committeh. He is now a private in the First Feline Battalion. He has already survived harsh elements and food deprivation. Great things are expected of him.
There were rumors of my cousin’s demise, but Fred (a.k.a.”Verrazano”) is alive and well. He was doing surveillance for the next special mission. He was almost caught by the enemy, but his stealthy ways were why we chose this young chap for our surveillance team. The tiny kitteh has hopefully learned his lesson in Chinatown.