Recently, Ted Slater of Boundless set off a firestorm by providing insights into what men generally think when they see a picture of a morbidly obese woman who laments her singleness. Granted, a few of the words he used were over-the-top, but I’d be lying if I said they did not accurately reflect what men think.
The backlash was so severe that Boundless yanked the post, Candice Watters posted a powder-puffer on the subject, and Ted–upon further review–formally apologized.
This issue of girth–in both men and women–is of importance to me. Both myself and MrsLarijani have had our struggles with weight: I had a 3-year stretch where it got away from me, and MrsLarijani struggled with it for most of her life. So, I’m going to chime in on the subject.
But first, some disclosures and disclaimers…
1. While I am writing from the man’s perspective, I understand that it works both ways. If Catwoman or Savvy wishes to write a guest commentary and speak for the ladies, I’ll be happy to post it.
2. We are speaking in fucntional, not medical, terms. Functionally, obesity is like obscenity. As Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said of the latter: “I know it when I see it.” Yes, subjectivity is part of the problem. But that is also true of many other properties that we seek in the opposite sex.
3. We have no intention to pick fights with those who are obese in spite of their efforts. Yes, some folks have medical issues that contribute to their problems, and which even make overcoming that problem a daunting challenge.
Now, I’m going to go into more detail, even where Ted did not bother to trod.
Let’s consider the case of John Doe, who is single. He’s 23, a recent college grad, and getting established in a new town. Some of his new friends wish to set him up with a gal they know. He asks about her, and they tell him the words he fears the most: “She has a great personality.”
(What John Doe is hearing: “We wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole if the roles were reversed, but perhaps you might be interested.”)
Now, let’s say that John Doe goes to First Baptist Church in Anytown. He’d like to find someone to date and eventually marry. Most of the decent-looking gals are either already dating somoene or are married. But there is this one gal who is single, and VERY interested in John. Trouble is, she’s about 100 pounds overweight and–from the way she eats at those potlucks–shows no regard for what she is doing to herself. Others in the church are putting the pressure on him to “get together” with her.
What is John Doe thinking?
- "If I marry her, I’m doomed. I’ll have to put out for a gal to whom I am not remotely attracted."
- "If she doesn’t take care of herself now, then I cannot reasonably expect her to do so when she has even less time on her hands."
Making matters worse, when John says he is not interested, he gets put down for being “shallow”. The few remaining gals in the church ostracize him and engage in shaming tactics for not wanting to date a gal that none of them would give the time of day if the shoe were on the other foot.
After a few encounters like this, John gets irritated with the church. He gets slammed for being “shallow”, and yet he still wishes to marry. He isn’t perfectionist, but he’d like a gal who takes at least reasonable care of herself. But to the gals, he’s “Shallow Hal”.
Are such guys “shallow” or “narrow” and “only looking at one metric”? Some might be–each sex has their share of vain representatives–but I’d venture to say that most are not.
Recently, Ame, commenting on a thread here, said the following:
i’m not a medical professional, nor do i really care to know about body things, but i knew a man once whose late wife was severely excessively obese, and the medical things he shared w/me about that were … gross and disgusting.
Yes, folks, the men are thinking about that eventuality. They realize that–when they get married–they must be willing to be faithful no matter what. But we all want to weed out risks that we can see on the front-end. And while chronic weight issues are only one matter, they are more visible than others. It’s not always easy to see if she has an issue with money, or with romance novels, or if she has feminist tendencies. Some gals can mask those quite well. But weight issues are a completely different matter: those are easier to see. And when men are thinking in terms of physical attraction, that is often the first thing that jumps out.
That may sound unfair, but guess what? it is what it is. Calling me names won’t change that reality, because I didn’t create it.
Now what would I say to John? To that I would say that it depends.
If he also has weight issues–at least as bad as the women he turns down, and no better than the women who don’t want him–then he needs to face the hard truth: he might not be offering in himself what he is expecting of others. And it may involve more than simply his dating life.
If he has weight issues due to gluttony, then I would admonish him on that, as the Apostle Paul did this.
If he appears to be imposing unreasonable physical standards on the gals, I may call his attention to a hard truth: he may be entitled to have his standards, but there are tradeoffs. If he’s a 5 or a 6, and demands only to date a 9 or a 10, he may find marriage to be quite elusive.
If his general predisposition is more of judgment than grace, I would say that he needs to consider whether he is being overly-dismissive of certain ladies. (Especially if their weight issues aren’t that bad, and if they are of otherwise good character.)
If he has made good faith efforts to be accomodative, and it isn’t working out, then I would exhort him to keep up the good fight, and resist the temptation to let cynicism set in.
What would I say to the ladies? Again, it depends.
If she has weight issues due to gluttony, then I would admonish her on that, as the Apostle Paul did this.
If she appears to be imposing unreasonable standards on the guys, I may call her attention to a hard truth: she may be entitled to have her standards, but there are tradeoffs. If she’s a 5 or a 6, and demands only to date a 9 or a 10, she may find marriage to be quite elusive.
If her weight issues are of a medical causation and have eluded her best efforts, I would exhort her to keep on fighting the good fight, and resist the temptation to let cynicism set in.
Now, some folks–seeing that I am primarily addressing an issue related to physical attraction–might ask whether I am putting too much focus on that issue, given that there is a strong Biblical case for focusing on issues of character rather than the "outer person."
I would answer that while that is a legitimate Biblical admonition, it is also an outright shaming tactic to excoriate a man or woman who is simply not attracted to someone that the critic would not otherwise be attracted if the roles were reversed. Most of the time, the woman who castigates John Doe would not herself consider a guy who was shorter, or bald, or heavyset, or even an Asperger. To such ladies, I have three words: Pot. Kettle. Black.
We should encourage men and women alike, to pay greater attention to other character matters–reminding both sexes that beauty is indeed fleeting and that charm is quite deceptive, and that our very hearts are deceptive and we can easily overlook issues when solely focused on the physical–while conceding that, before we criticize folks for dismissing someone else on the issue of physical attractiveness, everyone (and I DO mean EVERYONE) has standards in that department.
Does all of this suggest that heavyset–even morbidly obese–folks can forget about ever having a husband or wife?
Of course not! While weight issues can make marriageability more difficult, heavierset people CAN and DO get married all the time. This is less about musts and more about percentages. Yes, a gal who is overweight may have a more difficult time finding a husband than one who is athletic, but one MUST NOT turn this into a game of “you’ll NEVER get married until you lose X pounds.” Fact is, it can and does happen for many such folks, although moving toward better fitness definitely helps one’s chances.
But let's not kid ourselves: when a guy is repulsed at the sight of a gal who is spherical, that does not necessarily make him "shallow". She may not be fat due to her own choices–any more than I am short due to my choices–but preferences are what they are, and life is not fair.
Some men are charismatic and others boring and timid. Some are tall and others are vertically-challenged. Some are slim and others are gravitationally-challenged. Some are good with food and others struggle with it. Some have great adjustment skills and others are autistic or Aspergers. Some have better family backgrounds and others have terrible backgrounds. Some have hair and others have baldness, or–worse–pattern baldness. Some are athletic and others are quadriplegic.
I can say the same for the women: it rains on the just and the unjust, and some have more battles in life to fight than others. Being unwanted is a terrible thing, and sometimes that is beyond your control. Leah was the firstborn, but Jacob wanted Rachel. Leah was more fertile, but Jacob wanted Rachel. There is no indication that Leah was lacking in character, but Jacob wanted Rachel. There was nothing Leah could do to change that. Fairly or unfairly, there were issues beyond Leah’s control. Nothing she could do was going to change the fact that Jacob wanted Rachel.
But when it comes to excess mass, there are things that most men and women can do to help their chances. While I empathize with those who are obese due to reasons beyond their control, those who do have control–and you know who you are–need to look long and hard at the choices you are making. That is a matter of pragmatic reality, and no amount of denial will change it.
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