Day: September 6, 2007

I Have a Message for Bin Laden

Posted on by Amir

09/06/2007: Now that the media has whipped up a frenzy about Bin Laden having a message for Americans on September 11, I have a message for Bin Laden:

Dear Mr. Bin Laden:

As you already know, the United States has been hit with a deluge of toys that have been contaminated with lead. As an engineer, you understand that lead poisoning is a very serious matter, as it can lead to brain damage, cancer risk, etc.

In concentrated quantities–about 185 grains–lead can cause very rapid brain damage, which is usually fatal within seconds. Such lead poisoning is so rapid there is no evasive measures once it is in play. This is because the lead travels at about 900 feet per second.

Even more ominous, there are even more sophisticated cases of lead poisoning that involve higher doses–about 700 grains–and higher speeds to transmission, about 2900 feet per second. Such cases of poisoning are even more catastrophic, causing complete separation of the head from the rest of the body.

While you may not think this is a big deal, as your religious beliefs have you clinging to the prospect of eternal sex with 72 perpetual virgins, it will be difficult for that to happen when the lead has been dipped in pig blood and your body is roasted in pig fat.

You might consider your eternal future, because–minus Jesus–your eternity in hell awaits you. There will be no food, no wine, and no women. The only sex you’ll be getting is a pitchfork up your kazoo.

Just remember, your time is coming. We’ve got your number.

Sweet dreams, you pig-loving bastard,

–Amir Larijani

Thompson Enters Presidential Race: WhoopDeeFreakinDoo!!!

Posted on by Amir

09/06/2007: Anyone who thinks Fred Thompson is the Second Coming of Ronald Reagan is in for a big-time disappointment.

As a GOP Senator from Tennessee, he was very unimpressive: a Republican version of John Kerry. He was not a man of big ideas; he did not seek to accomplish big things; his service was quite lackluster.

Contrast that with Reagan, who combined excellent communication skills to parlay a belief in less government interference in the lives of Americans, a strong defense, and steadfastly opposing the advancement of Communism into a Presidency that changed the world for the better.

Fred: You’re no Gipper.

Compared to the rest of the field, Thompson still has a chance: none of the current frontrunners–Rudy, Mitt, or John–are resonating with the conservative base. In terms of fundraising, the GOP is getting slaughtered. People are sick and tired of Establishment Republicans–like Bush 41, Dole, Dubya, Rudy, and Mitt–who are nothing more than country-clubbers whose agendas are softer socialism than the harder socialism of the DNC candidates.

Bush has sold us out. You want proof? (a) No Child Left Behind; (b) Medicare Part D; (c) the Highway to Hell Roadmap to Peace; (d) budget deficits that would make FDR and LBJ blush; (e) unconstitutional wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; (f) shamnesty for illegal immigrants.

It is up to the GOP candidates to prove that they have a different course. So far, all of the frontrunners have been underwhelming.

Rudy, Mitt, and John will give us more of the same as Dubya, only with better press conferences. Hunter, Tancredo, and Huckabee are talking good talks, but Hunter (R-CA) and Tancredo (R-CO) have terrible spending records in Congress; Huckabee (R-AR) has a spotty record on fiscal matters.

Ron Paul (R-TX) is the one-man-gang in Congress who votes against every spending bill and represents old-style Constitutional conservatism. Trouble is, he has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning.

Personally, I don’t see Fred Thompson’s candidacy lasting into 2008. As soon as voters figure out that he’s all whistle and no engine, he’ll fizzle.