1st Feline Battalion

After describing her marriage in such unflattering terms, I’m left with the conclusion that the only thing Will–Ellen’s husband–did wrong was stop the car.

Seriously, that was one of the worst screeds I’ve read in a long time, and it only validates the worst of what Vox Day, myself, SXM, Anakin, Triton, and MLV have observed.

I’ve long contended the following:

(1) While no-fault divorce may be seen as a victory for equality, it has also driven men away from marriage. This is because the ensuing spike in the divorce rate has increased the overall risk of divorce, and–given the legal climate–a man will lose more in a divorce than he would have lost 40 years ago. As I said, the feminist may view that as “equality”, but that it is not without unintended consequences.

(2) As a result of the increased risk of divorce–and the implications that go with it–men and women have become more risk averse. I’m finding that establishing trust–among both sides–is quite difficult. Compounding matters, as we get older, we gain more baggage. We get burned, we make mistakes, we see the worst that can go wrong, and that only breeds more distrust and cynicism. We start thinking, “the worst is always possible.” It gets even worse when the divorces occur among believers.

If those factors are not bad enough, you get the Ellen Tiens of the world telling you that she DREAMS of divorce. Here is what she thinks of men:

Nor is Will the Very Bad Man that I’ve made him out to be. Rather, like every other male I know, he is merely a Moderately Bad Man, the kind of man who will leave his longboat-sized shoes directly in the flow of our home’s traffic so that one day I’ll trip over them, break my neck, and die, after which he’ll walk home from the morgue, grief-stricken, take off his shoes with a heavy heart, and leave them in the center of the room until they kill the housekeeper. Everyman.

If this is what women generally think of their husbands, then score one for Anakin and Triton and the Marriage Strike movement.

Here are her thoughts as she contemplates divorce:

Still, beneath the thumpingly ordinary nature of our marriage — Everymarriage –runs the silent chyron of divorce. It’s the scarlet concept, the closely held contemplation of nearly every woman I know who has children who have been out of diapers for at least two years and a husband who won’t be in them for another 30. It’s the secret reverie of a demographic that freely discusses postpartum depression, eating disorders, and Ambien dependence (often all in the same sentence) with the plain candor of golden brown toast. In a let-it-all-hang-out culture, this is the given that stays tucked in.

This is the Mid-Wife Crisis.

Mind you, when I say Mid-Wife Crisis, I mean the middle-of-married-life kind, not the kind where you go to Yale to learn how to legally brandish a birthing stool. As one girlfriend remarked, it’s the age of rage — a period of high irritation that lasts roughly one to two decades. As a colleague e-mailed me, it’s the simmering underbelly of resentment, the 600-pound mosquito in the room. At a juncture where we thought we should have unearthed some modicum of certainty, we are turning into the Clash. If I go will there be trouble? If I stay will it be double? Should I stay or should I go? Oprah.com: Six relationship decisions we’ve made for you

Our mothers knew better than to ponder such questions, at least not out loud in front of God and the hairdresser. They deliberately waited to reach the last straw until their children were grown and the house was paid for. At 25, they were ladies with lady clothes and lady hairdos — bona fide adults, the astronauts’ wives. By 40, they were relics.

But we, we with our 21st-century access to youth captured in a gleaming Mason jar with a pinked square of gingham rubber-banded over the top, we are still visually tolerable if not downright irresistible when we’re 30 or 35 or 40. If you believe the fashion magazines — which I devoutly do — even 50- and 60-year-olds are (lick finger, touch to imaginary surface, make sizzle noise) pretty hot tickets.

We are also tickets with jobs and disposable income. If we jump ship now, we’re still attractive prospects who may have another shot at happiness. There’s just that tricky wicket of determining whether eternal comfort resides in the tried-and-true or whether the untried will be truer.

Our mothers, so old too young, believed that marriage was the best they could get. We, the children of mothers who settled (or were punished for not settling), wonder: Is this as good as it gets?

What a cynical take on leaving the man who pledged to love you “for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”! She’s thinking in terms of whether she can get any better than she has. Has she not considered that–as she gets older–even if she is attractive for her age, she may find that no man with any brains will trust her?

And that’s what Ellen serves to undermine: trust. And that is one of the worst consequences of divorce, and it does not merely impact the parties dissolving the marriage.

This is because marriage is more than a mere legal contract. It’s more than a business transaction. If legalities and assets were all that mattered, one could merely incorporate. After all, business law is well-defined at the local, state, and federal levels.

No…marriage is a covenant. That is the reality that is inescapable. A covenant is more than a contract; it is a solemn agreement between a stronger and a weaker party, carries terms and conditions and obligations for each side, is in force as long as both parties live–and in some cases beyond that if it involves nations and families, involves witnesses, involves both parties committing to each other, and commences with eating, drinking, and–in ancient times–the shedding of blood.

(The woman’s loss of virginity–which typically results in a flow of blood–was actually viewed as the blood part of the marriage covenant. This is why in Middle Eastern cultures, it is not uncommon to have the verification of virginity before the wedding.)

While I am not suggesting that we return to the Middle Eastern variant of the marriage celebration, we must not forget that covenant nature of marriage. That nature has not gone away, as much as our legislation has attempted to make it so, and our culture of divorce is only bringing the covenant into disrepute.

When a couple divorces, they damage all of society. Why? Whenever one–often both–parties break their “for better or worse” vows, it causes others to question whether such covenant love is even possible, and by anyone.

That covenant love is how God loves us. He loves us for better or worse…for richer or poorer…in sickness and in health. Erosion of the marriage covenant causes those outside the Church to question whether God’s covenant love–an integral part of the Gospel–is even possible.

Along similar lines, when such divorces happen among believers, you get singles in the Church questioning whether they can trust anyone.

Fact is, no matter how good the marriage, both husband and wife will have habits and mannerisms that will irk each other. The husband will fail to put down the toilet seat; he will get grumpy at times; he may not be the most organized person. The wife will have her bitchy streak, will not always be “in the mood” when he is; will complain about his driving and his penchant for getting white clothes mixed with the colored clothes.

And those are the easy issues.

But the expectation is that not only will the two stick together, but also that they will love each other. For better or worse.

As Delta Charlie’s health failed, his wife–Bravo Charlie–worked extra hard to help keep him comfortable. Did she ever get tired? You better freakin’ believe it.

Ya wanna know what her outlook was, in the week before he died. Her own words (emphasis mine):

For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And without regrets.

During my seminary days, she and I were at each other’s throats on any number of matters, and would be today if we wanted to make hay out of matters. When I talk to her, I almost never bring up anything I discuss on these pages.

That said, as for the way she acted out the covenant with Delta Charlie, she gets a hearty tip of the cap from me. She got it. And her kids will be better off as they grow up; they can appreciate a mother who went the extra mile, not just because it was a duty, but because she chose to love her husband the way God commanded.

When couples act out that way, they breed more trust. They serve as a witness to the world: they tell the world that God’s covenant love is reliable, just as the marriage covenant is reliable.

If the Church embraced that vision, even the Marriage Strikers might just reconsider.