I hadn’t heard from him in almost thirty years when we reconnected a couple months ago. When my Husband’s vehicle died recently, we called him for advice since he is very knowlegable about all things related to automobiles.
When he and I talked, it was one of those interesting conversations. Thirty years is a long time. He said he’d wondered over the years how my Best Friend from High School and I were doing. I thought that was nice. His first wife up and left him and the kids saying she didn’t want any of it anymore, and he is now happily married to his second wife. He said he has wondered, though, if he and I had got together if we would have made it. Hummm. I thought that was interesting. I met him when I was fifteen and he was nineteen. Having a relationship leading to marriage was no where on my radar at that age. I was raised to go away to college, the farther the better, and to find a husband there. I wasn’t in college yet.
A few days after we talked he pulled me up on chat. I have several good, male friends, both married and single, and the friendships are very appropriate. They keep their place; I keep mine. It works. So I didn’t think much of it.
But it was the little things. Most of them, in and of themselves, were benign. As they started piling up, my radar went on alert. By the time it ended, sirens were going off in my head like fireworks over Cinderella’s castle ~ and a BIG, “Whoa, Nellie! What the heck just happened here?!” Before I exited out of that chat, I copied the whole conversation and emailed it to my Husband and my Best Friend from High School.
It is generally agreed that statistics show women file for divorce more often than men.* I am very concerned about these statistics. Off the top of my head, I can count at least seven or so men whose wives walked out on them for another man. They were not in abusive relationships – they were married to really good men. How does a woman get to this point where she is willing to destroy the lives of her husband, her children, and even herself, for another man?
James says in chapter one, “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
You know how tee-tiny a baby is at conception?! The Bible says that desire is conceived … that means it begins microscopically small. We may not always be able to immediately discern that this itty-bitty, tee-tiny, desire we have could become so evil that it has the power to drag us away and entice us to sin, but it does. Once conceived, it will give birth. When full-grown, it gives birth to death.
What woman wouldn’t like to hear that a tall, handsome, attractive, Christian, church-going, well-travelled, talented, successful man has been thinking of her for thirty years?! Even though he wasn’t on my radar in High School or any time since then, I found myself wondering … “Hummm, what if?”
And then I stopped myself.
“What if” doesn’t exist.
Would it be easy to continue having chat conversations with him? You bet. No one would have to find out. I could hide them from my husband; he could hide them from his wife. Can you see it growing? That “it” is sin.
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My Sisters and Brothers in Christ, we are not immune to sin. Marriage is a powerful covenant in the eyes of God, and we must honor marriage. Whether single or married, we must honor marriage.
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A friend described this using the analogy of a Fish and Driftwood. “A fish needs to constantly move in order to keep moving up the stream. Sometimes it has to expend energy just to stay in place. The marriage is like the fish; if it stops struggling against those external forces, it will go back downstream. A piece of wood, however, will simply drift. The wrong kinds of attachments make you drift, and make a marriage drift, because emotional energy that should go into the marriage is given elsewhere.”
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Is your mind wandering? Is there a good man/woman around who is fun to “chat” with? Who makes you laugh and smile and feel good and exciting? Who is not your husband/wife? Who begins to take more of your energy than he/she should? This cannot continue. We must get rid of these sins before they become full-grown and give birth to devastating death. You must confess this to God, and then you must confess this to someone you can trust who will hold you accountable ~ for sin grows in darkness, but it dies in the light.
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I want to leave you with the email I sent this old friend and his reply:
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Dear Friend,
It has been fun reconnecting with you, and I’m flattered with all the compliments. However, some of your comments made me uncomfortable today, and I don’t want to go there anymore. Marriage is a very serious covenant commitment before God. God has blessed me with a wonderful Husband! He is amazing. I want to protect my marriage, and other marriages, including yours, by protecting my mind and thoughts and conversations and relationships. If we are to converse again, it must be on a strictly platonic level – not personal or intimate or dreamy in any way – or not at all. Thank you for honoring my boundaries,
Ame
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Ame,
I understand completely, I Love my wife deeply and would never do anything to jeopardize that relationship. I respect you for this and I have many strong feelings in this area as well. I saw many good marriages tossed aside by supposedly good people, and I decided long ago that my love for God and my wife was not something I would compromise. If I offended you in any way, please accept this apology…your friend always.
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*If you are in an abusive relationship, or even think that you might be, please seek wise counsel immediately.