Dr. Keith Ablow chimes in about what he calls the death of marriage. Mohler reacted here.
Personally, I agree with some of what Ablow had to say, although his report of the demise of marriage is greatly exaggerated…
Here is where I think he is using tunnel vision.
Well, I’m not certain marriage ever did suit most people who tried it. From what I hear in my psychiatry office, and from what I hear from other psychiatrists and psychologists, and from what my friends and relatives tell me and show me through their behavior, and from the fact that most marriages end either in divorce or acrimony, marriage is (as it has been for decades now) a source of real suffering for the vast majority of married people.
To go further, I would venture that 90 percent of the married patients I speak with would rank their marriages in the top two stressors in their lives, while only 10 percent would rank their marriages as one of the top two sources of strength in their lives.
Why do I call tunnel vision here?
He’s a psychiatrist. When patients come to his office, he’s not getting people who are otherwise in good shape. If you judge the state of marriage on the basis of what you see among an already problematic group, you’re missing the rest of the universe.
Moreover, the claim that “most marriages end up in divorce” is total Bravo Sierra. Even the bandied-about 50% figure is crap. When you account for cohorts, the rate goes down. When you account for regular church attendance, the rate drops even more.
Marriage is not dying; the modern rendition of it is dying. And I shall piss on its rotting corpse.
Now, the point I agree with:
First, the involvement of the state in marriage has been a colossal mistake. The granting of marriage licenses by government debases an institution which is actually the proper domain of churches, temples and other entities focused on God and Spirit. Government involvement means that love and commitment become sterile, linked to legislation and weighted down with legal implications that are psychologically suffocating. Smart, aware people feel consciously or unconsciously disempowered from the moment they say, “I do.”
I wanted to marry my wife, not the governor of Massachusetts or a Superior Court Judge.
The government, in fact, should have no role in marriage, whatsoever. There should be no income tax distinction between married and single people. Each person should file as an individual. That would simplify the debate about same sex marriage (or marriage between three people—which I guarantee you is in the offing), because the state would be out of the marriage business entirely. Laws should exist, instead, that simply commit parents to financially support their biological children. Beyond that, it should be left to the individuals involved (husbands and wives) to go see their priests or ministers or rabbis about getting married and to then go see lawyers to write any financial contracts between them that they wish to.
On this point, Ablow is absolutely correct. The State needs to get out of the marriage-licensing business altogether. This would put the “gay-marriage” issue to pasture, while allowing for more religious freedom for everyone from Christian homeschoolers to Atheists to the most perverted sex cults. Moreover, ditching the income tax for a sales tax–better known as the FairTax–would put everyone on the same economic playing field: gay, straight, bi, beastial, etc.
On his second point–the premise that oral contraceptives are contributing to the demise of marriage–he will certainly get many affirmatives from the Catholic Church and the Quiverfull/NFP types. But his reasoning is different. With contraception, it is possible for a couple to get married and, having no children, have an easier path to divorce if they decide 5 years later that they are sick of it all. With children, they would have more incentive to stay together, even if the marriage otherwise sucks.
While there is some truth to that premise, no discussion of this matter would be complete without addressing the advent of no-fault divorce (NFD), which is responsible for the spike in the divorce rate in the last 40 years. NFD, not contraception, is the primary policy culprit here. Even without contraception, NFD would have done most of the damage we now see.
Still, when he says:
Once human beings understood that they could express themselves emotionally, romantically and sexually without necessarily creating multiple families and perilously dividing their assets, the psychological pain of living without sexual passion (even by choice) was significantly intensified. And, make no mistake about it, marriage that includes cohabitation is a really tough environment in which to preserve such passion. The vast, vast majority of men and women, in fact, are no longer physically attracted to their spouses after five or ten years (that’s being kind), if they have seen one another most of that time. Human beings just are not built to desire one another once we have flossed in the same room a hundred times and shared a laundry basket for thousands of days.
Very few normal people who live together for long enough want to keep on doing it. Roommates tire of each other. Sons and daughters grow up and move out. Siblings end up at each other’s throats.
To give marriage a chance at long-lived passion, couples now need to build in space from one another and time apart.
They need to work very hard to stay interesting to one another, not just stay around one another. Too few couples are determined to do this, and it is very, very difficult, in any case.
Of course it’s difficult, Dr. Ablow. Covenants typically are. (And, in Christian and Jewish circles, it is viewed as a covenant, because that is how it is presented in the Scriptures.) Covenants, from a Biblical standpoint, are binding as long as both parties survive. Only the death of a party voids the covenant and frees the survivors from those terms and conditions. In Christian terms, the marriage covenant is representative of Jesus Christ and His faithfulness to the Church.
The covenant is the understanding through which the husband and wife demonstrate that faithfulness to each other. That way, as the world sees Christians living that marriage covenant out, they’ll better understand the faithfulness of a God who keeps His promises.
Yes, it can be a pain. But Jesus went to great pains for His church. He put up with disciples who–when the going was tough–ran like cowards. He put up with disciples who, instead of longing for the great redemption of God, fought over which of them would be in charge in the new Kingdom. He put up with women who were focused on petty matters (Martha); He spent time explaining matters to Pharisees who couldn’t see the truth (Nicodemus); He rebuked Peter, made fun of Peter when he doubted, predicted Peter’s own denial, but eventually restored Peter and gave him a most important charge. He even died a horrendous death which–while sufficient to save everyone–will atone for the Church. He stuck with the Church for better or worse.
That the covenant is difficult, is nothing new. Marriage–as an institution–lasted for milennia. It will continue to last, even the current funk will continue for some time. It will, however, behoove the Church to reaffirm the covenant nature of marriage, and live that out in practice.
On his 3rd point:
The third reason marriage is a dying institution is because it inherently deprives men and women of the joy of being “chosen” on a daily basis. It’s natural to like the feeling of being wanted (most people thirst for it), and the fact that leaving a marriage involves “lawyering up” and suffering greatly means that most husbands and wives have to wonder whether their spouses really want to stay, or simply don’t want to go through the hassle of leaving. If it were a relatively simple process to decide to live apart (and honor a financial contract for the support of children), then we might actually exert more effort to be attractive to our spouses for longer. We might appreciate the fact that they’re still around.
That’s on the couple to renew their love and commitment on a regular basis. MrsLarijani and I often remind ourselves about our journey, and that we are happy to have chosen each other. When times are tough, it’s important to remember where you came from. The Israelites of old never learned that lesson, and they paid dearly with hard time in the wilderness, and many needless deaths. All because they were so quick to forget their great heritage.
It is on the couple to keep remembering that heritage.
Fourth, our collective experience with marriages failing in such great numbers is itself one of the reasons the institution is dying. No one likes being part of a group of hypocrites. The fact that millions of Americans take vows to stay in marriages for life, then leave those marriages—once, twice, maybe three times—has so trivialized and mocked those vows that many silently chuckle to themselves while listening to them. Once enough divorced parents have wept with joy at the placing of rings on the fingers of their daughters or daughters-in-law, the backbone of marriage as an institution must snap.
Not really. MrsLarijani and I come from divorced households. None of my parents are thrilled about their pasts on that front, and I would bet that MrsLarijani’s parents–if they could have their lives back–probably would have chosen wiser. Still, they were all quite hopeful and happy about our marriage. There were non-believers on my side of the family–who are otherwise cynical regarding religious matters–who walked away from the wedding quite impressed. Being in the presence of old-school Reformers who had a very low divorce rate, that was some credibility.
If folks on my dad’s side of the family embrace the Christian faith, it won’t be on account of the evangelical nitwits out there who are chasing skirts or God knows what else. It will be from having seen that covenant love lived out, in a Body that is transparent.
It’s only a matter of time now. Marriage will fade away. We should be thinking about what might replace it. We should come up with something that improves the quality of our lives and those of our children. And we should keep government out of it, if we know what’s good for us.
Relax, Doctor. Marriage as you know it will fade away. Marriage will remain. And we’ll all be better off for it.