Kids Pay the Highest Price

“Every year for my Birthday and Christmas, my only wish was for my family to be whole again. And I thought for sure that by my 16th birthday, for sure, we’d be whole again.”

“They say that kids are resilient, that they’ll get over it and be okay. That’s what they tell us.”

“I was devastated!” she said incredulously, shocked, stunned, looking at me for truth, assurance that she was not crazy.

“I know,” I quietly shared with her. “I knew it devastated you. And I don’t agree with them.”

Comforted, she went on to share more of the deep places in her soul … places she’s been unsure of, almost fearful of, all these years.

Divorce devastates kids. They never get over it because the wound is always open. There is no place they can go to escape. There is no place where they can put it to rest. Dad and Mom forever live in separate houses, live separate lives, and the kids are the ones who have to figure out how to balance all of that. When they’re adults, the kids are the ones who have to figure out how to celebrate the holidays with split homes. The kids are the ones who have to figure out how to manage wedding showers and weddings and baby showers and births and graduations and special events with split families.

The kids pay the highest price.

It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. It doesn’t matter if it’s biblical or not. None of the reasons matter. The kids are devastated. Torn. Divided. Split. Forever. Do not deceive yourself. Face the truth. Accept the truth. Allow kids to face and state the truth.

Their dad moved out over eight years ago, and the pain is still deep, still raw. All she wanted was to celebrate her 16th birthday with both Mom and Dad living in the same house, married, together, her family whole. Even knowing the truth all these years, it was still her deepest, most protected, desire. It was real. Yet reality would not allow it. And, once again, her dreams are shattered. Once again, she will have to work through the pain toward healing … again.

 

I Am A Mother; Therefore I Am Valuable to My Children

I wonder, as we’ve become a society (in general) who focuses so much on ourselves, that we, as mothers, have lost our value. I know, it seems paradoxical, but it’s not.

As a mother, it didn’t take much to learn when my babies were born that they needed me for their survival. Well, they needed someone. Babies cannot care for themselves at all, and if they do not have a care-giver, they will die. In my mind and heart I knew I was valuable to my babies because they needed me to survive.

There’s this theory that children reach an age where they don’t need their mothers as much as they did when they were dependent upon us for their very survival, so we can go out in the world and do our own thing.

Okay – let me stop right here and state – I am not against working mom’s. Should I say that again? I.AM.NOT.AGAINST.WORKING.MOMS.  Okay … back to where I was …

It is true that healthy children – those without special needs – even if we do not actively teach them, will learn how to care for themselves. This is a natural process as they grow and develop.

But there’s this whole other side to our humanity that we must choose to embrace. We need each other for significantly more than basic survival needs. Our children need us, their mothers, for significantly more than their basic survival needs. Our children need us, our heart, our soul, our mind, our character, our integrity, our person. They need who we are because of who we are; they need us simply because we are their mother.

There is something about mothers. We are a glue, a foundation, a rock, in the lives of our kids, that no one else can replace. We anchor them, hold them together, give them something firm to stand on, to grow upon, to reach out from. We are infinitely and irreplaceably valuable to our children. We are of great worth to our children. They need us, crave us, to survive well in this life.

I have known that mothers were important, but I wonder that I am just now learning the extent to which we are valuable. My Oldest daughter, who is on the brink of her 16th birthday, has been homeschooling for about three plus weeks now. What I am learning since she has been home full-time is how much my daughter simply needs me more than she was able to when in public school. She needs to be in relative close proximity to me. She needs to observe me. She needs to experience who I am and what I am. She needs to absorb my love and unconditional acceptance of her, of who she is, of what she is. I am infinitely valuable to her, and if something were to happen to me, it would be catastrophic in her life.

I’m not saying every child needs to be home schooled. My Youngest daughter is still in public school in the special ed program and is doing well. I do not have any plans to move her out of public school. Might there come a time when I think this is necessary? Perhaps.

But here is the thing that I believe is critical. We need to be the Mother our child needs us to be for that specific child, and that will be different for each child. My Oldest needs to be home schooled because she needs lots of time with me. So we are making the choice to home school her. Why? Because I am valuable to her. And when I understand my value to her, I am able to draw her in and ingest deep into her being how truly valuable she is, not only to me, but simply because God created her.

There are so many child care facilities that are truly excellent … from day care to camps to sports to music to any number of extra-curricular activities. These are not bad in and of themselves. As a matter of fact, there are some personalities who crave continuous action. If parents can afford such things, and they are good for their kids, do it. But don’t use them to babysit your kids so you can go have your own life – however you might define that to be.

Our small town is in a large school district, so our little police department monitors the few schools in our town. I have talked to our school police officer often; she is an amazing officer with a deep and sincere heart for the children of our community. She has shared with me stories of kids who were struggling in life. Her stories would go something like this: “I tell the parents their child is struggling and making bad choices, and the Mother asks me what they can do. And I tell her, stop working. Stay home. Be there for your kid.”  Wow.

We’re not talking about moms who need to work to put food on the table. We’re talking about career moms who are so focused on creating their own lives and meeting their own needs and desires that they have lost perspective on their value to their children! They do not realize how much their kids need them! They’ve bought into the philosophy that we can have it all – we can be mothers and have our own lives, especially when our kids get into school, because they don’t need us anymore. They’ve bought into the philosophy that, by having a career, they can give their kids more of what they want, and therefore are meeting their kids’ needs. And they’ve bought into the philosophy that being a mom while our kids are growing up is not enough.

It is not wrong to have a lot. It is not wrong to be able to give your kids a lot. It is not wrong to be able to take your kids to Europe and Disney World and the mountains and the beach every year. It is wrong to think that this is all your kids need. It is wrong to think that your kids would rather have these things than have you. It is wrong to think these things are more valuable to your kids than your time and relationship. It is wrong to replace the value of your relationship with your children with your status and what you can give them.

I am a Mother, therefore I am valuable to my children. I need to be the Mother to each child that they need me to be just for them. I cannot do this on my own; I need the wisdom and knowledge and strength from God to do so. We do not need to raise the value of mothers, we need to choose to believe the truth that we are valuable and to act accordingly.

Schwyzer Out at Pasadena City College

Hugo Schwyzer–whom I plastered a few times from here–has been forced to resign his professorship at Pasadena City College. Good riddance.

He was the prototypical male feminist. He was the poster boy for the cause, and was given favorable coverage at prominent feminist blog sites. He even parlayed his born-again feminism into a professorship–of women’s studies.

He claimed that while he was once the bad boy who slept with his students, he had turned away from his evil ways, which included sleeping with a gal–who had been abused–then trying to kill her and himself. He was a family man now: married with children. He used that bully pulpit to engage in man-shaming that would have made Al Mohler blush.

But alas, he was caught in a sexting scandal, and–in the course of events–it turned out that he either (a) resumed sleeping with his students, or (b) never stopped doing so.

Once this came to light, even the liberals at PCC could no longer give him a pass.

Hugo Schwyzer Asked to Resign

Hugo Schwyzer–the male “Women’s Studies” professor known for sleeping with his students, then fashioning himself as a reformed bad boy who embraced feminism before recently imploding–has been asked to resign his professorship or face disciplinary action.

Schwyzer is now admitting that he returned to his philandering ways once again after one of his students–Meagan–posted a blog detailing their relationship. In turn, his employer–Pasadena City College–launched an investigation.

Schwyzer–who once admitted to taking sexual advantage of a woman who had been brutalized, then attempting to kill himself and her–has had quite the fall recently.

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Vox and Captain Capitalism: It’s Both/And, not Either/Or

Yesterday, Vox Day provided an assessment of the gender gap in college degrees. Captain Capitalism, in turn, pointed out that the numbers don’t tell the whole story: (a) when you factor in engineering and hard science degrees, men are outperforming the women by a wide margin, and (b) women are getting the bulk of the meaningless degrees that are largely available due to a bubble economy in higher-ed, and therefore will not be advancing in the world.

While my sentiments are with Captain Capitalism, I think both of them are hitting some important points:

(1) Women are getting the bulk of the college degrees, even if they are not dominating in engineering and hard sciences. This is the result of an education system that has been waging war on men and boys for almost a century. That the corporate culture outside academia, sadly, has embraced a large part of that politically-correct agenda, does lend credence to the premise that Vox is correct.

(2) At the same time, women are going to bear the brunt of the pain when things majorly go south. Because they are getting the bulk of the degrees, and because those degrees are more likely to be worth a roll of used toilet paper, and because those degrees will carry a mother lode of student loan debt, the women are going to be impacted when the economy ultimately collapses. Their degrees will not land them substantive jobs, they will not be able to service their student loans, and the men will run from them because they will choose not to be yoked to that baggage.

I have some female friends–recent college graduates–who have five figures of student loan debt, degrees in non-specialty fields, and very few substantive job leads.  And no, they don’t have any remote marital prospects, either.

Oh, and Vox provides an excellent piece showing a mother-daughter fight over a college route. Kudos to the mom.

Had enough of feminism yet?