14 thoughts on “Women don’t View Decline in Sex Drive as Problem…

  1. what i’ve found interesting among married couples is that many men loose their desire for sex and their wives are wondering what the heck is going on. i have no answers here … just passing on info.

    but it matters not whether it be the wife or the husband who has no/low desire for sex … it’s the one who says ‘no’ in the marriage that has the control.

  2. Ame: Having never been there, I can’t provide a definitive answer. I could speculate, but that’s all it would be: speculation.

    As for the latter, that would absolutely be correct. In some cases, it’s the women; in others, it’s the men. But the one who says “no” has the control.

    And when the one who hears “no” often enough ends up cheating, the war begins.

  3. Anakin: I just thought it was funny when considering that–while many of the women in question didn’t see it as a big deal–the people doing the study didn’t bother to ask their husbands! 😉

  4. Amir – in my exposure to porn and other wives whose husbands are addicted, i’ve found that a porn addict will usually either force his wife to do really sick stuff in bed (and i’m not talking w/in the framework of any healthy person’s normal) or he will totally ignore her. though i didn’t know what the deal was for years, i am thankful my ex chose the latter. therefore when i hear of men not desiring their wives, i automatically assume porn. i imagine there are other reasons a man would continuously not want an available wife, but i haven’t researched this. (incidentally, those from whom i hear this frustration are not in anyone’s book of ‘unattractive.’ all these wives are attractive women)

    the issue of women not desiring their husbands is complex and simple at the same time. if there is no medical issue that cannot be treated, then the issue is probably emotional/relational, and she needs to do whatever she needs to do to take care of the issue … and not treat it lightly.

    of course, the whole topic is much more complex as the list of possible hinderances in marriage to a healthy sex life is long.

    and i have found it true from what i’ve experienced and heard from my friends that a couple’s sex life is a reflection of their marriage and their marriage is a reflection of their sex life. there are seasons in marriage as there are in life, but when a wife is continuously satisfied with a minimal sex life, for whatever reason, she’s asking for trouble … cause she’s treating her husband and his needs flipantly, and that is never good.

  5. Ame: Unfortunately, the study in question does not seem to address the possible causes.

    Ergo, we could be dealing with any number of issues: some medical in nature; some involving sexual perversions on the part of husband and/or wife (not in any particular order); and others involving relational issues that reveal the fault of husband and/or wife (not in any particular order).

  6. and i have found it true from what i’ve experienced and heard from my friends that a couple’s sex life is a reflection of their marriage and their marriage is a reflection of their sex life.

    I would be very, very angry if I found out my wife was discussing the intricacies of our ‘sex life’ with her friends!

  7. Adam: Ditto. That kind of stuff needs to remain within the 4 walls of the house.

    If she’s being abused, there are legal channels that exist to handle those matters. If there is something that ought to be handled by the Church–i.e. adultery–there is a Biblical process for this.

    But for a husband–or wife–to discuss their sex lives with their friends, that’s lower than low. And yes, I’d be pissed.

  8. Adam and Amir – it’s rare that “the intricacies” of a couple’s sex life are shared. it’s much more subtle.

    that a couple’s sex life is a reflection of their marriage and vice versa is something you’ll find in many books on marriage and hear from marriage therapists and hear at marriage seminars. that’s general knowledge.

    sex is as much a topic in the marriage world as it is in the single world. as odd as it may seem, there are many couples, and wives, who need help here. and not always big stuff … just stuff. finding someone to confide in is difficult. this is an area where older women who are/have been married are very instrumental for younger women who are married.

    there are concerns for women that men don’t have … such as UTI’s and yeast infections from sex, trying to achieve pregnancy, fertility, menstral cycles, etc, that other women can help with. not everything needs a medical professional or a counselor.

    there is a lot that i can “see” after all the stuff i’ve gone thru over the years that most won’t pick up on. also, i’m just one with whom women have felt safe to share things when they needed help.

    after being married so many years, having gone through what i have, having taught women’s bible studies, and just being the kind of person other women talk to, it’s not hard to ‘thread’ comments together.

    are there some people who tend to share everything … yeah … but they probably aren’t the kind of people you’d be around anyway.

    i can (kinda) see, as one who’s never been married, how this would anger you … but i really don’t think it’s what you are probably perceiving.

  9. ame, though i’ve never been married, i tend to agree with you. i can’t imagine myself discussing the finest details with all of my girlfriends over martinis, but i could picture myself and best friend discussing things a little. i think it’s different for women… i dunno…. sometimes some reassurance that others in our same places or dealing with similar issues can be really helpful. i’d be discreet, but i can’t swear that i would never discuss any bit of my sex life with a close female friend.

  10. Ame: Don’t get me wrong: if I thought you were engaging in inappropriate conversations, I’d say it directly. I’m not suggesting that at all.

    If you’re saying that you can look at how happy the couple is, and acertain their sex lives, then I’ll grant you that probability: I’ve long-maintained that the 8 hours they spend in the bed are a reflection of the other 16 hours they are not in bed.

    That’s probably a good general rule.

    On the other hand, I can give you some horror stories where women were sharing with other women certain intricacies that are not fit for discussion, all within the “women’s bible study”.

    One of them made the mistake of telling me about it.

    When I confronted her, I was nice about it at first, until she tried to justify herself.

    Then I unloaded on her.

    Yep…she ditched me not long after that. I lost no sleep over it either. She went on to marry a complete asshole, after she stiffed several of us guys in her church.

    Today, she often complains to her friends about the guy she married.

    She won’t complain around me, however. She knows better.

    To make a long story short, I doubt that Adam is speaking about the matters to which you are referring, such as pregnancy, sex-related infections, or other common matters that have technical dimensions that, while unpleasant, are necessary for discussion and advice.

    No. We’re referring to intricacies that, all too often, are less about “advice” and more about trash-talk.

    And yes…it goes on a lot more than anyone wants to admit. We’re talking the conservative, fundamentalist ranks.

    And yes…it fuels the cynicism of single men.

  11. Amir – yes, i’ve heard it all … appropriate and inappropriate.

    and yes, you are right … women, in GENERAL, will always struggle with what passes from their head through their mouths.

    in general, the healthier and more mature the woman, the healthier the man, the healthier the marriage, the less reason she has to talk.

    i think this should be a foundational topic of discussion in the marriage … how much of any of the marriage is shared outside the marriage. the couple should each be open to discussing sex and listening to their spouse share. the more the husband provides a safe, warm environment for his wife to discuss difficult topics with him, the less need she will find to go somewhere else.

    another note – sin works best in secrecy. a husband who absolutely forbids his wife to talk about anything to anyone will raise alarm, consciously or uncounsciously. as much as men want to “fix” everything and not need any help, especially in marriage, a wise husband will lovingly direct his wife to appropriate and wise and safe people … professional or personal … when needed. among other things, this will show his support of her relational nature as a woman.

    for example, most women in groups have a good idea of when each other’s cycle is. my friend, when working, and her female co-workers, charted their cycles to prove whether or not women who spend a lot of time together actually do end up on the same cycle. we don’t think anything about it. need a tampon … need motrin … need chocolate … we’re there for each other.

    sometimes, for some women, learning where this share-all line ends is difficult and takes time. the woman who is willing to work with you is a keeper; the one who is like the one you described … is better with someone else … as you so wisely noted.

    another note – it is so exasperating to go to the doctor, ob/gyn in particular, and have him/her say, “why didn’t you tell me earlier” … or conversely “that’s so common i probably see it at least twenty times a week.” how the heck are we supposed to know, sometimes, when to tell the doctor and when not to? even when you have a great doctor who handles these things appropriately, it is still very frustraing. it helps to have good, faithful, solid, trustworthy friends and/or mothers and/or sisters and/or mature women, etc, to talk to.

  12. Ame: Again, this is not about covering up sin. The issue, however, is how such sin is dealt with. If a husband is inflicting perversions on his wife, then–if you are the teacher–you have a responsibility to direct the person to deal with this in a Biblical manner.

    There is, in fact, a Biblical process for such matters. Jesus made that clear. It does the Church no good if we refuse to challenge the Church to handle such matters Biblically.

  13. Amir – you are right.

    and you are also right that MUCH is covered under the cloak of “bible study” and “prayer requests” that should NEVER be spoken in a public setting … and often not with anyone else at all. period.

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