Dealing with Bullies — How to Back Your Kid

One might think that when I stood up to ES in 7th grade, that my dad would have been thrilled about it. After all, I stood up for myself and did what he taught me.

Well…not quite.

On one hand, he ripped me a new one. I got grounded for telling ES to [go do something anatomically impossible]. He also provided a very stern reprimand for getting into a fight. He let me know–in no uncertain terms–that I cannot let that become a modus operandi.

Once he got all of the facts, that reprimand was reduced to a muted warning. Lesson learned.

On the other hand, he clearly had my back with the folks at the school. If they didn’t deal with the bullies, then his son would be forced to do what he needed to do. Lesson also learned.

(1) I knew my dad would not let me hang out to dry.

(2) I also knew my dad would not let me off scot-free if I had to fight it out. There would still be punishment, even though in these extenuating circumstances that punishment would be mitigated. This would hammer home a very important point: justified or not, hurting someone always carries a price.

(3) The folks at school knew they had to get their act together. Or else.

(4) Those who thought I would be a pushover ended up with a substantial hike in their marginal risk.

Did I ever “turn the other cheek”? Of course.

We had another guy in the class–Romeo Sierra (RS). He was a troublemaker. After I had done well against ES, RS decided he would try to bait me into a fight.

He wanted to box me. I was willing to do that, only because I looked at that as a game. (Seriously, I figured I might be able to make some friends with these guys by boxing with them.)

One day, RS and some of his friends came and sat with me at lunch. They were trying to map out terms of a fight.

RS said, “I’m not ES. I would leave you hurting.”

I told him, smiling, “I’m sure you would. I’d still give you all you could handle. But my dad would kick my ass!” We both laughed at that one.

The next year, RS and I would end up being teammates on the football team. We weren’t buddies–he was in with some really bad guys–but we got along. When I got my first QB sack, he was the first one congratulating me.

I can’t say that I handled things perfectly by Matthew 5 standards–what 7th grader in my position would have?–although, to my credit, I pursued a conciliatory path afterwards.

I could have continued to humiliate ES, but I didn’t. I could have carried my “success” with ES, gotten a big head, and taken up others who wanted to fight. Had I done so, I could have taken my punishment from my dad, always coming up with a reason why fighting “was the right thing.” That would probably have led to a life of delinquency if not jail.

But I didn’t take that path. I welcomed RS and BA to the table, but I dealt with them on my terms, not theirs.

I could have continued to walk around school with a huge chip on my shoulder, and shut everyone out in a “f***-you-it’s-me-versus-the-world” mindset. But I didn’t.

Those guys and gals who called me “fag” and “sissy” back then? Some of them are now among my Facebook friends today.

And that’s all because (a) I took Matthew 5 seriously, even though I didn’t get it all right, and (b) I took my dad’s warnings seriously.

I took his warnings as seriously as I did, because I saw him warning me even as he had my back.

3 thoughts on “Dealing with Bullies — How to Back Your Kid

  1. there are consequences to choices. period. that is best learned young. i take every opportunity possible to teach this to my kids. and my kids always know, always, i’ve got their back. period. i take a lot of hits to protect my kids, but that’s why i’m the mom.

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