Kids want their own parent, not their step-parent.
I was talking on the phone with my Mom, who left my Dad several years ago. The conversation included talk about my ex, to which my Mom stated, “Well your girls have your New Husband, and they have a good relationship with him, so that makes up for it.”
“No, Mom, they don’t want their Step-Dad. They want their Real Dad.”
“But they have New Husband.”
“But that’s not what they want. Kids do not want their step parent; kids want their own parent.”
My Mom then changed the conversation … cause she has, in many ways, abdicated her responsibilities to her four birth children and has “adopted” another (adult) child and her 1st grade son (as her grandson and the one she needs to live a healthy life for so she’s there when he needs her).
I don’t know how to state this so people get it. But the truth is that kids do not want a substitute parent; kids want their own parent … not only that, but kids want their own two parents living together, married, in the same home, with them. Period.
Is it better that beat-the-lights-outa-you-dad has moved out? Sure. But that doesn’t mean the kids don’t want their dad … it means they want their dad w/out getting beat up. Is it better that unfaithful-mom has moved out and isn’t living a double life anymore? Sure. But that doesn’t mean kids want a step-mom or a substitute mom; kids want their own mom, without the extra man (men). Is it better that the emotionally and mentally abusive parent, that the addicted parent, that the whatever parent, is gone? Sure. But that doesn’t mean kids don’t want that parent without the abuse, without the addiction, without the whatever.
I think people perceive that when the “bad” parent moves out that things are finally okay. NO! Things are NOT okay. Things are still bad. They are just a different kind of bad. Things are still hard. They are just a different kind of hard.
Divorce is not the solution. Divorce is not the answer. Divorce is sometimes the only choice, but it is still not a good choice. And when it’s all peeled back, what kids really want are their own parents, minus the extra boyfriend/girlfriend … minus the beatings … minus the drugs … minus the mental and emotional abuse … minus the addictions. Don’t buy into the lie that divorce is better. Divorce is not better. Divorce is always bad. Sometimes divorce is the only option, but that doesn’t make it better.
Priceless.
You’re asking too much from modern day American parents. Parents deem themselves more important than their children. But cheap (and infrequently visited) nursing homes await the single parents that decided to breed before contemplating whether they would make good parents or not.
@Cpt. Capitalism
Yep. Those nursing homes–and perhaps the specter of active euthanasia–will be the revenge of the younger generation.
I’m not saying that’s a good thing; just making the observation.
“You’re asking too much from modern day American parents. Parents deem themselves more important than their children.”
the truth of this cuts deep and makes me cry. i’m dealing w/a situation now where this is true, and it’s so hard to swallow.
***
many years ago i was on a women’s ministry ‘board,’ and as we began a ministry to shut-ins, we invited in a speaker to help inform us. the speaker said something i will never forget. she said that we are not to judge when these people have few family and/or visitors … she said there are often circumstances we know nothing about where this person has contributed to the situation they are in.
i guess the future are nursing homes with abandoned parents (by kids following the example taught to them) with full, perky, breasts due to all the implants and men with vision so weak they can’t appreciate the goods. they’ll wish they had saggy boobs and relationships with their kids, but it will be too late, then.
Sounds to me like this woman needs serious counseling!! She is so hateful in this article and seems like she is bashing “step parents” and putting way too much weight on blood relations in my opinion! What about kids who are adopted? They can never love or be loved by their adopted parent because they want their “real mom or dad”? I disagree as a step parent loving every kid in my house (those who came through me and those who came to me) and as a social worker who advocates for kids to be adopted in some situations. Not every parent should be a parent. Doesn’t make kids love them or want them any less but it’s not always the best role model for them in certain given situations. So I disagree with this article and found her to be very angry and in need of addressing the issues she has with her situation.
@Jen
“Hateful” is a pretty strong word. What about the piece struck you as “hateful”?
Ame can answer for herself, but–personally–this is what I saw out of it: children–in their heart of hearts–tend to gravitate toward their biological parents. It’s not a knock against step-parents, or even adoptive parents. It’s merely a statement of the obvious: children want their real parents.
This is often true, even if one parent is a total loser. A daughter is going to be angry if her dad runs off with the secretary, but–if her mom remarries–the new stepfather, no matter how good he is, will never really “replace” the dad.
We recently had a pastor–RL–who ran off with the church secretary. His daughter–LL–hates what her dad did. She still visits him every week or so, and–from what we’ve observed–is otherwise happy to see him.
As for adopted children, it is not uncommon for them to seek out their birth parents.
Again, this is not a slam on adoptive parents or step parents; rather, it is an admission of the obvious: children generally want their birth parents.
Jen – i am a step mom. my girls have a step dad. my dad remarried, and i have a step-mom. my husband was adopted as a baby.
you are right that there is a bit of anger in there … i’m angry that my mom is justifying her choices with a blase, “oh, well, there’s the step-parent,” attitude. i also get a bit angry when parents who are considering divorce assume that their children will be better off never seeing or knowing the other parent … or that they assume that the kids will be fine if they divorce – everyone will remarry, and all will be well.
the bottom line is that i believe God hard-wired us with a mommy-place and a daddy-place that no one else can fill. my husband’s adoptive parents were very good to him, however one of the first stories he will tell you is of when he met his birth-mom when he was in his late 30’s. we cannot find his birth dad, and this is something that causes a discord in him. it doesn’t overpower his life, but it’s there. i have yet to meet an adopted person who doesn’t wonder who their birth parents are.
i believe that kids, no matter what age, and no matter how much better the situation they had given what it would have been, long for their birth parents and dream about them. given that, i worked very hard for many years to do what i could to make sure my ex and my girls developed a good, healthy relationship – and it was work. and when i remarried, we established that the first rule of step parenting is that the step parent is not the birth parent. i absolutely love and adore my step son; we have a great relationship. but i make sure he knows i’m not here to take the role of his momma or to demean her. his mom is now engaged, and he gets irritated with her fiance b/c he tries to be the dad rather than the step dad. that balance will have to work itself out, and the fiance will need to learn he is not the dad.
also, there is much guilt with kids and step-parents … how do they love both? how do they place each in a role without hurting one or the other? adults need to do this for them. we need to give kids the place to keep their real parent first and the place to put their step parent second. we need to do what we can to take the guilt away.
i have a friend who divorced when her daughter was a baby from an abusive alcoholic. ex has somewhat got his act together and both parents are now remarried. daughter is 11 and chooses to see both dad’s equally – one is ‘dad,’ and one is ‘daddy.’
this is not about the parents or the step parents or the adoptive parents … except for them to realize and accept that children, in the depths of their heart and soul, want their original birth parents, and they want them married together for life. this does not mean the children are not in a better situation … it’s just that the children wish they could have the better situation with their original parents.
Jen – also, i did grow up in an abusive home. and the honest truth is that i am so thankful my parents stayed married through all of my growing up years. they didn’t divorce till i was in my 40’s. and, though i’m not surprised b/c my mom never did want to be there, i’m still thankful that she stayed, and i didn’t have to grow up in a broken home. i didn’t have to have visitation with my dad. i didn’t have to grow up with the financial stress of a broken home. i didn’t have to grow up split up. my girls hate having two homes, so does my step son. i wish with all of me our kids never had to know what that’s like.
I also grew up in a home with divided parents, had a step father who my mother also divorced. I know how hard it can be but I also remember NOT being devastated or upset over either divorce. I was actually releaved because they were not happy and fought constantly. You never knew what you were coming home to and there was never any peace. In my case the need for some peace and quiet was more important to me then the traditional two parent household. I never had a close relationship with my father and never will. It’s something he is not capable of. I had an uncle who was more of a father figure for me and that was enough for me. That same uncle walked me down the isle when I got married, not my father. Anyone can be a dad but it takes a true man to be a father. And that father doesn’t always have to be blood related in order for it to work. Some kids are fortunate enough to have a relationship with both parents and not need the step parent. I get that. But I have found that more often then not the step parent ends up having to take on more of a role of parent then most may think. I have found in my experience that not everyone should exercise their reproductive rights. And more often then not they fail to realize the commitment required to be a parent and that when the divorce takes place that does not by any means dissolve their responsibility to support their children financially and emotionally. However sad as that may be I have seen this happen more often then not which is why the step parent then has to decided what their role needs to be based on the situation and needs of the child. It’s more difficult a role then being a parent. Like you said kids want the parent but the step parent has to work hard to earn the love an respect of that child and be careful not to take over. Step parents are simply not recognized enough for the job they have taken on. And like parents not all step parents are deserving of the kids either. But some are and they always seem to get swept into the pile of the lacking ones. It’s a shame and I want to say to all the step parents out there who are doing the best they can…….GOOD JOB!!!! Congrats to you for being the one who is there when your spouse is at work or otherwised preoccupied and the missing parent is lacking and you are making up for their lack of parenting! Thank you for listening:-)
you’re welcome – anytime. and good for you for being that great step-parent and parent!
great parents … great step-parents, are often overlooked. there are so many dynamics out there. i’m so thankful for step parents and adults who step into those roles abandoned by birth and/or adoptive parents. kids need parental roles not simply while growing up, but for all their lives. and by no means do i intend to diminish their roles.
what i do want to issue is a strong statement to those parents who are married and think that they can just get divorced and get rid of the jerk (husband or wife) and replace them w/someone else, and the kid will be just fine. there are marked cases where, usually the mom, will take the kids out of the dad’s life and blame the dad, making stuff up. these are becoming more difficult in some states b/c of the laws. i also want to issue a strong statement to those who have affairs and think it’s okay on the kids. yep, the kids will still love and need you, but they’re not gonna want your girl/boy friend – they want their parent. don’t give them another one b/c you can’t be bothered to keep your vows.
adults need to realize that kids are not things to throw around at the whim of their lack of self-control and un-tamed desires. adults need to step up and be adults. they need to take responsibility for their choices. they need to stay faithful to their spouses. they need to stop justifying their “need” for “happiness” at the expense of the children.
yep, there are definitely parents out there who should not be. and there are definitely parents out there who screw up huge. and consequences are no respector of persons.
but for those who want to do whatever the heck they want and file the children under, “they’ll be fine; kids are resilient,” they need a huge dose of reality.
I completely agree!! It is the case WAY to often that spouses cheat and think its ok! So worried about their own needs and desires and shove the kids to the side as if someone else will take on the job of picking up those broken kids and making it all better! Not the case!! And let’s not forget that we are not just talking about cheating men here but wives who cheat too!! I’m grateful for my husband’s ex wife’s cheating ways for without it he might not be mine:-) He is the most incredible loving husband and father one could ever hope for! We r raising all the kids together as a family living in a beautiful home! As for that cheating ex wife, well she is shacked up in an apartment with the paramour show she married and is now knocked up by! Lol! Thx!! Hand in there everyone and anyone who finds themselves with a cheating spouse. In the end u will come out on top and with ur kids!
“Hand in there everyone and anyone who finds themselves with a cheating spouse. In the end u will come out on top and with ur kids!”
Jen, i’m glad this has worked out for you and your husband, but it doesn’t work out this way in many, many cases. there is a whole men’s movement out there that is driven by women abusing them and taking the kids, too. many states have laws that protect the mommas and not the daddy’s. i know several dad’s whose wives cheated on them and took the kids, too, depriving dad of getting to raise his own children. often the cheating wife talks bad about the faithful dad, causing much turmoil and rift among the children towards him.
in general, men still get the raw end of the deal in the legal world out there of divorce, regardless of what the mom has done or is doing. and while the kids pay the highest price, the dad’s are paying a terrible price, too – a very painful emotional price and a very costly financial price.
i’m also thankful that his kids have a step mom like you. still, i hope that their own mom gets her act together someday and steps up to the plate – it’s in her best interest and that of her kids for her to get her act together. it’s horrible for kids to live with a mom and/or dad who has made such horrible choices, absolutely horrible, even if we have a great substitute. and it’s not something that ends when their childhood runs out, it’s something that follows them their whole lives. teaching them forgiveness and how to deal with this stuff and cope would be wise, imho.