Two Kinds of Marriage

There is a place, in a healthy, working, marriage, where the more each one gives, with unconditional love, with a desire for the other to discover and become who they truly are, the more each one, individually, and the more the marriage, together, increases. It does not become a place where each is giving and becoming less so the marriage becomes more … it becomes a place where each unconditionally loves and gives, creating fertile soil for each to grow and develop and become individually, as the marriage grows and develops and increases together as one. And it’s a beautiful, amazing, even miraculous thing to behold and experience. This is how it is with my new husband and me.

In my first marriage, the more I gave, the more he took, and destroyed, and demeaned, and devalued, until there was nothing of me left, no self-esteem, no strength … only fear. The more I tried to give to the marriage, the more he took, and the less there was of me, and the less there was of the marriage.

As Amir has stated clearly many times, we take a risk when we get married. There are things we can do to minimize that risk, but it is still a risk. We cannot predict how our future spouse, or even how we, ourself, will develop in our marriage. We can crunch the numbers and factor in all the statistics, but when it comes down to it, only time and living will reveal the truth.

Some things that I find very important to our success (there are more, but here are a few):

1. Choose to remain teachable.

2. Choose to forgive as you desire to be forgiven.

3. Choose to accept as you desire to be accepted.

4. Choose to be  v.e.r.y  s.l.o.w  to criticize.

5. Choose to be quick to encourage.

6. Choose to see the good and minimize the bad.

7. Choose to give without keeping score.

8. Choose to be honest; tell the truth in love.

7 thoughts on “Two Kinds of Marriage

  1. 9. Choose not to compromise the way the government does.

    Our current biggest instigator of argument is how we spend our weekends. My husband likes to window shop and price shop. I HATE shopping. My husband likes to walk around shopping plazas and malls for exercise, I’d rather camp, canoe, or hike. My husband is a suburban homebody. I’m a rural homebody.

    In an attempt to NOT spend every weekend at the mall, I TRIED to make a deal – we could switch off who chose the activity each week and not protest the other’s choice. It worked for one weekend…but then parents came from out of town, we helped some friends move, we went out town… and now when I try to do exactly what it was I wanted to do in the first place, I’m greeted with “we haven’t done what I wanted to do in over a month!” Its bred nothing but contempt, resentment, anger, and dissatisfaction between us.

    Unfortunately, I don’t know what to do in the spirit of true compromise. But yes – compromise as above is seriously not a good idea.

  2. Christina … i hear what your saying. a few thoughts …

    what you’ve shared is very common. i wonder at some of these things had my husband and i married younger … how would the younger us have handled them. there’s a different passion when we’re in our 20’s and even 30’s, and when in those earlier years of marriage. there’s this tug-of-war inside us to try to make the marriage work and still maintain some sort of individual identity.

    combine that with being a sahm (which i think you are?) with two babies, and although you love it, there is a need to get out and do something for yourself.

    first, i’d tell you this is a season. these things will eventually work themselves out, and when you’re older, you will smile about them.

    it is very normal and common, in a marriage, for there to be such a huge difference in what we desire and like to do. there seems to be a pattern that i’ve seen in marriages over the years … the honeymoon wears off … there’s this passion to do everything together … there’s this discovery that you don’t actually like doing everything together … there’s this tug-of-war to try to force each other to do what the one wants the other to do … there’s the disappointment and anger and bitterness your describe. and then, over time, there’s a slow, seeping, acceptance and compromise that grows in your marriage.

    i have a friend who is a very strong-willed woman, type-a personality, on-the-go-ALL-the-time, and loves it. her husband is also strong but likes a more laid-back life. i’ve watched them over the years go through these phases. just this past weekend, she put away her stylish shoes (her personal fetish) and donned a pair of hiking boots and went hunting with her husband – okay, he hunted, she took pictures (photography being one of her passions). he was thrilled. she survived and even found some things she liked.

    i have another friend who’s been married for 26 years or so who also went through all these phases. after about ten years she began doing things with her husband that he liked. she has never loved it, but she finds things she likes enough, and her husband is in heaven.

    the things these woman love to do and their husbands don’t want to do, they’ve found ways to do with friends. this is not at get-back-at-him kinda thing … it’s a way to fulfill their own needs with friends (female friends). it takes the pressure off the marriage.

    “and now when I try to do exactly what it was I wanted to do in the first place, I’m greeted with “we haven’t done what I wanted to do in over a month!””

    these years of having babies are HARD. just accept that they are hard and that this is a season. it will help. accept the reality that it is hard and that it really is temporary.

    find ways to satisfy your needs and desires for outdoor adventure without your husband but not during the times he is home. and then don’t throw it in his face.

    then choose to do the things with him that he likes … try to find a way to shop and still enjoy it (i’m with you … i HATE shopping! it’s got to where i almost refuse to grocery shop with my husband – we get our own carts when we enter a grocery store now ).

    you are not alone. many wives do not enjoy the same things their husbands do for leisure. it is often hard to find things you enjoy doing together, especially while there are little babies/preschoolers at home. these are hard years … but they are a season.

    memorize these verses from ephesians 4: “29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

    as my late mentor would always tell me, ‘take your two steps back,’ and re-evaluate. is it worth it to press the issue? can it wait? you’re buried in babies, but you won’t always be in this season. they will grow up. your marriage is for a life-time. you don’t have to force everything now … you can let it evolve.

    try to find shopping venues that you would enjoy and he would be happy with, too … art festivals, etc, to change up the location. make it more interesting. have things to entertain the children.

    it WILL seem you are giving up more of yourself than he is for a good while, but it will even out more over time. you will find things you enjoy (really, you will – you may not love it, but you will find things you enjoy about it). he will become more relaxed not thinking there’s this constant struggle at home. you will become more relaxed meeting your needs for outdoor adventure in ways that don’t require your husband’s attendance or participation. when your son is old enough, get him into cub scouts, then you can camp all you want! i know mothers who are very involved in scouts. then you can do girl scouts with your daughter and camp all you want!

    try to find ways to satisfy this need inside you to do your own things without your husband having to meet them or be a part of it. and then let that be enough – don’t say anything like, “i did this with my friends b/c you won’t do it with me.” see it as a way of God caring for you, and let it be nothing more or less than that.

    does this all make sense?

    • I’ve noticed in our relationship a cycle of high and low. When the honeymoon first wore off, we were greated by the first most important conflict – and we worked through it, leading to another “honeymoon” period. It was hard, but we were quite happy for awhile until the next bit of refining needed to be had. I think this is really our third real cycle. First it was communication, then trust in making decisions for our family, now its consideration. we still struggle with the other two, but not on the same level that has me wondering if we are going to survive it. I think its just a natural aspect of marriage and doesn’t scare me all that much anymore. Its a learning process…just super challenging, frustrating, and puzzling.

      I don’t know what happened but I think I finally figured out what “submission” is for me, and I’m still afraid to jump right in. It has a lot to do with trust – trusting God and trusting my husband. And where its the answer to the compromise question, my selfishness is getting in the way and asking “but when are you allowed to get what YOU want?”

      Humanity is a b*tch.

      • the thing about marriage, submission, communication, etc, etc, is that it is a life-long process. we never totally get there … we get better, we fall off the wagon a few times along the way … we pick ourselves back up … get a little more better, etc. the overall picture should be one of moving forward even though there will be times we slip backward. it’s a learning process, a growing process. once we get “this” figured out, life hands us something else, and we have to figure “that” out, too.

        the most important thing is to not get with a group of women dis’ing men cause that will cause your mind and heart to go downhill really fast – bad bad bad. choose to be around people who will affirm your marriage and yourself.

        when do we get to do what we want? hummm … i’ll let you know when i figure that one out … teenagers, blended family, special needs kid, husband, dog … i fit in there … somewhere!

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