Death Dates and Broken Cycles

Browsing around … enjoying the quiet of the middle of the night when everyone is asleep (a favorite time for me) … and came across this post by Neanderpundit.

Death is one of those things that befuddles the best of minds and hearts. I’m always amazed at how little it takes for one’s life to be taken from this earth (like the teenage girl who was sitting on the back of a pickup with friends when the driver barely edged it forward, she fell, hit her head wrong, and was gone) … and also at how much a human can endure and still live (like Corrie Ten Boom who survived the concentration camps of WWII).

When I was 21 and married 8 months, a friend’s wife had an asthma attack, she took her medicine, they hopped in the car to the hospital, but she went into cardiac arrest on the way and didn’t make it, despite the CPR her husband pulled over and administered. I developed a horrible fear after that of death … until I heard a woman speak on the topic some 13 years later.

She was the mom of a police officer and would worry herself sick over him … till God showed her something from Psalm 139:16 “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

She said that we celebrate our birth days every year … but God already knows the number of days we will live on this earth, and He is counting down to our death date. We do not need to be concerned, because our days were already numbered before we took our first breath.

I will never forget sitting there, hearing her speak these words. I have shared them with others over time who have experienced the same anxiety … especially mothers (we worry so!). It’s not an excuse to live frivolously, but rather, a peace. For all we can do to protect and care for our children and ourselves, there is still a date out there we cannot control. It will come – either that or the resurrection.

Somewhere over the years I have decided that I do not want to reach my 80th birthday on this earth. Life after 80 does not appeal to me at all. I’m 48, so I’ve still got 32 years till I have to face that … and 32 years of life to live … if I’m granted that much. Deep down, though, I simply want to live as long as my girls need me … so I can pour as much of myself as possible into them through as many phases of their lives as possible, so that when I do pass from this life to the next, they will have all of me they need to hold onto. (I’m assuming I will out-live my girls, and I hope I do.)

I know … some people have bigger and broader dreams to touch the world. Those are good. But my mother has repeatedly abandoned me, kept her distance, and blown me off, since I was born. My heart has ached for her more and more the older I’ve become, painfully ached for her. If I can do one thing in this life, it is to give my girls as much of their momma as possible so they never know what it feels like to have a living momma who would rather focus herself somewhere else. My girls know I’m here for them, I love them, I’ve got their back, and I will never leave/abandon them. They know someday God will take me, but while I’m alive, I’m here for them. Always. The cycle is broken.

Though death will come, the cycle is broken.

4 thoughts on “Death Dates and Broken Cycles

  1. Thanks, Ame. This piece hits close to home for me. On my next birthday I will be the same age my mother was when she died, although thankfully without the three-pack-a-day cigarette habit that likely hastened her passing from bladder and lung cancer. Still, I sometimes wonder how much longer she would have had if the cancer treatments that are available today were available 30 years ago when she was going through her final illness – or if she had quit smoking almost 50 years ago when my father did.

    Dad turned 80 last month. He’s still alive and of sound mind. In fact, he still works part-time by his own choice. However, he’s got a lot of physical problems and I sometimes wonder how much longer he’ll be around.

    If I’m still alive and in reasonably good health when I’m 80, I’ll probably still be working out of necessity; this recession and an extended period of joblessness destroyed my finances. Still, I have to remind myself of God’s provision, and God’s numbering of my days.

    • singleman – thanks. sorry it’s so hard; it’s been hard for us, too. as long as i don’t turn into too bitchy of an old lady, perhaps wallyworld will hire me to be a greeter 🙂

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