Why Many Girls Remain Single … and … Why Many Wives Remain Unsatisfied

A friend posted a link to 5 Reasons Why Many Girls Remain Single by Emmanuel Ogunjumo on facebook, and since we talk about this kind of stuff out here, I hopped over and checked it out. I’ve never heard of this guy before, but he made some insightful points:

[Girl] wanted Jesus…not a disciple of Jesus…but Jesus Himself

[Girl] saw herself as a princess, but she did not care to prince her man

[Girl] liked being pursued but did not want to be caught

[Girl] was way too picky

[Girl] wanted Boaz but wanted to remain a Delilah

At the end he added this: “Food for Thought: Maybe I cannot find Mr.Right because I am wrong in the way I see relationships.”

I find his points to also be true of women who are married:

They want their husband to be perfect, not choosing to allow him to be human, while expecting him to accept her humanity unconditionally.

They want him to treat her like a princess, but they treat him like dog poo and then even brag about it … and they create a pattern of focusing on his weaknesses rather than his strengths.

They like the game of being desired and want to continue to play and lure, living in a fantasy world, without having to face reality and live this ordinary life.

They’re way too picky and pick and pick and pick at him till he just shuts down ’cause nothing he does is ever good enough; she is never satisfied.

They want him to be perfect in every possible way, yet they expect him to accept her just as she is, regardless of all her flaws.

And another Food for Thought: Maybe my perception that my husband is no longer Mr. Right is because I am wrong in the way I perceive my husband, myself, and our marriage.

*****

As always, I must add … if you, man or woman, are in an abusive relationship, these do not apply. Seek professional, biblical, help immediately. An abusive person will always distort the truth.

11 thoughts on “Why Many Girls Remain Single … and … Why Many Wives Remain Unsatisfied

  1. They’re way too picky and pick and pick and pick at him till he just shuts down ’cause nothing he does is ever good enough; she is never satisfied.

    A commenter on one of Vox Day’s threads once put it this way: “If you will never be satisfied with anything I do, then your opinion means nothing to me.”

    The “overly picky” dynamic is huge, and it’s not just in the Christian world. A couple years ago, Susan Walsh illustrated the dynamic that has occurred due to the onslaught of the sexual revolution in general and feminism in particular.

    Before all of that, men and women tended to be realistic. As I’ve pointed out, fifty years ago, even the “hard to marry” types had a good chance of getting married at a relatively young age. The sexes were generally realistic about the expectations. While preferences were always there–women have been and always will be attracted to the “Alpha” types, just as men have been and always will be attracted to the super-hottie types–both sexes were generally sober about where they stood and what their expectations needed to be.

    The onslaught of feminism, OTOH, gave women the license to sleep around with impunity. As a result: the Alpha males enjoyed–and continue to enjoy–quite the sex feast. Women are taught to gun for the best men. In the Christian world, they are told to expect nothing less than the President of Alpha Males for Jesus.

    The men, in turn, find the Church erecting a standard for them up to which they will never measure, and can never measure. Even worse, the leadership of those men who are erecting that standard is woefully short of the glory, and those “leaders”, rather than clean up their own messes, are too busy lecturing everyone else about theirs.

    They want their husband to be perfect, not choosing to allow him to be human, while expecting him to accept her humanity unconditionally.

    Yep.

    They like the game of being desired and want to continue to play and lure, living in a fantasy world, without having to face reality and live this ordinary life.

    Some (not all) women desire the SAHM life for that purpose: it allows them all of the pleasures of the good life, but none of the responsibilities. I attribute that to bad parenting combined with the fact that women are naturally hypergamous.

    (As I’ve often pointed out, hypergamy–in and of itself–is not necessarily a bad thing; at the same time, one must always check one’s motives, and it takes great maturity and courage for one to be willing to subject one’s self to such self-examination.)

    They want him to be perfect in every possible way, yet they expect him to accept her just as she is, regardless of all her flaws.

    That is because they forget that (a) sanctification is not just God’s work in his life, but also hers, too, and (b) marriage is not a license to “check out”. I see men do the same thing, but I’ve observed it more often lately with the ladies.

    (Not saying that is the general picture, just pointing out what I’m seeing at the ground level.)

  2. “As I’ve pointed out, fifty years ago, even the “hard to marry” types had a good chance of getting married at a relatively young age.”

    But also , there were more realistic views of what marriage was: An economic partnership instead of a romantic relationship. Homely people can well benefit from real marriage, but only the girls who marry the prince get to be the princess.

    The onslaught of feminism, OTOH, gave women the license to sleep around with impunity.

    This has never been true. Women still lie about their number because they know they will be judged by how high it is. Men and women both have their reputations damaged by “too much” sleeping around. The real difference is that only women want it both ways. They want the freedom to sleep around and the lack of condemnation and they prefer that no one even notice it. Thus the right to privacy. As in medical privacy. No one cares if you announce to the world that they had a heart attack. But they will blow a gasket if you tell anyone that they had an abortion or STD treatment.

    • I meant to say “perceived impunity”. While loose behavior may not get the general societal condemnation today that it received 50 years ago, it is still low-percentage with the men.

      • And while public condemnation is non-existent, private condemnation is still nearly universal. Everyone is polite enough to not say anything, but EVERYONE is thinking it.

  3. I have noticed this same thing, and I am glad you guys are picking up on it too. I think I would add that often times it is not a matter of right and wrong, but it is simply a matter of what someone who is single wants. When you think about it, such a view is deeply selfish. I will define what I want on the basis of me, and if someone doesn’t measure up to me, I will reject them. Such is the attitude of many singles, both male and female, but it does seem like, when I mention it, the females do seem like they can relate to it the most. I have been amazed that singles have told me that there is this person of the opposite sex who is a believer and they are attracted to who may even go to the same church as them, and they won’t give them a chance because of these kinds of things.

    I don’t know if you guys saw this or not, but Matt Walsh has written a piece on this issue, and, you know, the more I think about it, the more I think these kind of “man up” responses are nothing more than dodging these kinds of deep social problems that exist between men and women in the church. The idea is, even though you have these social problems to the point where men and women are doing nothing more than “hanging out,” and no intimate relationships are forming, just force the guys [yes, we throw in a little idolatry of men in here too] to simply initiate the relationship, and get things started, and hope that you can get them to propose in time before the whole thing collapses.

    First of all, that solution will lead to divorce being even more rampant. If men and women don’t know how to relate to one another, then that won’t magically change after marriage. Secondly, unless we teach men and women how to love and respect one another, and what I mean by that is that you don’t go around ignoring someone because they are different, or objectifying them, or making yourself the center. What we really need is a good lesson in why my pastor calls “one anothering one another.” If men and women don’t learn to do that, I dare say that this situation will not improve. Putting all of the onus on men to “man up” and “be the leaders” simply will not work. The problem runs much deeper than that. It is at the fundamental level of how we treat each other, and “man up” and “be the leader” cannot solve that problem.

    If both sexes don’t learn how to love one another, than even if men take the lead and ask the girl out, the relationship will still fail. It requires a change in attitude in how men and women relate to one another. Sadly, that gets into territory that Christian leaders are not willing to get into, because it will take work in getting involved in the lives of young people, listening to them, and analyzing how they are thinking about each other. It will involve looking at the kinds of things which prevent intimacy, and trying to change thinking on those things through teaching and mentoring. That is hard work. It is much easier to just simply say “man up” and “take the lead” then to actually get down and dirty and deal with the issues.

  4. I’ve noticed with advanced singles (30s and 40s) that their expectations are extremely high – and this is with both men and women. They are not what you would call hard to marry. They are attractive and interesting. But they need things perfect. Or at least what they think is perfect. And real marriage just isn’t perfect. They also seem to be uncomfortable with sexuality and a bit rigid.

    I don’t know why people online obsess over categorizing “alphas” and “betas”. The way you describe “alphas” sounds like they are meathead a$$holes. I’ve always been attracted to nerdy intellectuals. That does have it’s problems. Guys who are more skilled with the ladies usually have better social skills all around. My husband is an engineer. He has trouble expressing affection and softer emotions. Instead of getting hurt by this, I work through it with him. I tell him gently when he has hurt my feelings so that he understands me rather than letting it boil. Another example is that he was away this weekend dealing with family stuff. I was not able to travel because I am still recovering from surgery. I asked, “Did you miss me?” He said, “I was so busy that I didn’t have time to think.” I usually just tell him something humurous, “Excuse me, but your line is, oh yes, dear, every minute. It’s here in the script.” We then get a laugh out it. I just think that many people do not have the patience to have these conversations. Some women think a man should be psychic and “just know.” But you have to treat people how to treat you and how you like to be treated.

    • Some women think a man should be psychic and “just know.”

      Good point, Savvy. I’ve found that to be the case in the few dating experiences I’ve had in recent years.

      • When it doubt, say it with flowers, dinner out at a place nicer than fast food, and bring a bottle of wine. That’s all you really need to know about women. I’m still working on the flowers with my man, LOL. You can get nice flowers at the supermarket for not that much. I have had boyfriends who brought flowers many times. I would always say thank you. Those were the ones who ended up being jerks, but it doesn’t have to end that way. LOL.

    • I think that, as people get older, they get more cynical. This can be due to baggages that one accumulates over time. It gets easy to see other peoples’ faults in ways that aren’t as apparent when you’re in your early 20s.

      Sometimes, that can be good discernment whereas, other times it can be a case of a person making the perfect the enemy of the good.

  5. I have another thought. He criticized the 60 year old Sarah for not compromising. He does not list her complaints about the false men who passed through her life. I had experiences with many men who said they were one thing, but did not treat me well. I don’t think I was being too picky. I was looking for a reasonable, honest relationship and it took a long time. Things have to be right – similar goals and styles and a willingness to adapt.

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