And No, I Don’t Endorse Men “Playing the Field”

I had to say that, because of the headline in this article. (HT: Vox Day)

Women who have several sexual partners before getting married have less happy marriages – but men do no harm by playing the field,a study has found.

According to new research by the National Marriage Project, more than half of married women who had only ever slept with their future husband felt highly satisfied in their marriage.

But that percentage dropped to 42 per cent once the woman had had pre-marital sex with at least two partners. It dropped to 22 per cent for those with ten or more partners.

But, for men, the number of partners a man they appeared to have no bearing on how satisfied they felt within a marriage.

Researchers said the study showed that sex with many different partners ‘may be risky’ if the woman is in search of a high-quality marriage.

Don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger.

13 thoughts on “And No, I Don’t Endorse Men “Playing the Field”

  1. i have heard before that it’s different for men.

    i’ve often wondered how women who slept around a lot lived with themselves. i think they suppress it, but one can only push things down for so long b/4 they surface.

  2. The problem here is that women are being screwed–in more ways than the obvious.

    We now have a college landscape where the male virgins, in real and percentage terms, outnumber the female virgins. In other words, we have an avalanche of women who are buying into feminist dogma, who are making very low-percentage choices.

    So effectively, when they graduate, they not only have a boatload of student loan debt; they also have spent 4+ years engaging in behavior that we know–scientifically–reduces their chances of enjoying marriage and in fact increasing their divorce risk.

    I drink Guinness…Extra Stout…to the death of feminism.

  3. from talk over the years … women who only had sex w/their husbands before marriage didn’t seem to have much concern unless in very legalistic circles – especially the ones where you’re not allowed to hold hands before marriage.

    for the ones who had multiple partners before getting married, the concerns i heard were that their husbands had a difficult time dealing with it in the marriage. however, i’ve also noticed that these women are the ones who drink a lot.

    there’s only one woman i asked directed questions to. our conversations stemmed from the sexual abuse perpetrated on her by both her her dad and her brother when she was a little girl. this led to promiscuity, eating disorders, and many other issues. she did work through these things, but it was a bigger picture than simply having multiple partners before marriage.

  4. Oh boy. I can’t wait to dive into this one.

    1. Men who are sexually active “do no harm” to themselves, if they don’t contract an incurable disease. But since they are most likely having sex with a woman, they are doing harm to the pool of marriageable women. The same pool they will be fishing in when they are ready to settle down.

    2. Women who have been molested, raped, or abused should never marry. They are simply unfit. Their past is going to dominate their future to the point of poisoning all their future relationships.

    3. Given #2, the penalty for rape and molestation should be death.

    4. Guinness is one of the beers that withdrew its sponsorship of the St Patrick’s day parade this year because homosexual floats were not permitted. Since their political causes are more important to them than making beer, I no longer tolerate their intolerance.

    5. The real problem is that traditional marriage has totally broken down in the USA. It breaks because dating has become recreational not serious shopping for a husband. It further breaks because girls are indoctrinated in the mythology of “true love” and think that their own counsel is the only one they need when it comes to the most important choice in their lives. Seeking family approval is the last thing they want, and then only so daddy will pay for the party. Most likely, if the parents disapprove, the parents will say nothing because “it’s her choice”. Most likely, if the parents disapprove, the happy couple will do it anyway.

    6. Marriage is a financial, legal, family, genetic, and labor partnership as well as a romantic one. It can fail on any of those elements and still be very successful. It just takes a level of maturity that most people today have never had to demonstrate in real life.

    7. The stats are about populations. Every person only gets one life. One. Make your choices count. I personally know a woman who went to her marriage bed a virgin… and stayed that way. She eventually divorced and married again, still a virgin. I also know lots of couples whose sex life evaporated early in the marriage, even though the women had low N (so far as I can tell). There are lots of different combinations of people and not all of them make good matches.

    8. Insert appropriate caveats for marrying evil, stupid, and violent people.

    9. Insert appropriate caveats about how I am NOT talking about Ame or her personal experiences so she doesn’t need to get defensive.

    • 9. She can speak for herself on that one. Besides, she knows the drill by now, and is probably used to your style.

      8. Evil, stupid, and violent people…probably outside the scope of the article, could probably have a whole thread about that.

      7. Absolutely. General does not equal particular.

      6. Ding ding ding ding!!! Maturity…there’s the word of the day. Few have it.

      5. Yep.

      4. Sadly, this happened AFTER I received my Guinness cycling jersey for Christmas. It’s a nice jersey, but I’m looking for another beer with which to replace it. I’m probably going to settle for Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale.

      3. I could support that, if there is compelling evidence, particularly forensics or confession, to establish guilt.

      2. I dunno. I’ve known many of those types to have had successful marriages, although they do carry risks into the marriage. Provided that she is honest about that baggage going in, and provided there is substantial pre-marital counseling going on, I’d say it’s not a big deal. Otherwise, it’s going to be quite difficult.

      1. The only thing I’d add to that one is that the harm is not just earthly, and that the Law of Sowing and Reaping is not up for repeal. I can’t answer for HOW that will play out for each individual, but it WILL happen.

    • *laughing* 🙂

      actually, nothing in here made me defensive! i can be pretty balanced when not so hormonal – haha!

      my only comment was to this statement: ” girls are indoctrinated in the mythology of “true love” and think that their own counsel is the only one they need when it comes to the most important choice in their lives.”

      it is scary what girls are taught about finding the ‘right man.’ very scary. one of the big ones is: “You can fall in love with a rich man just as easily as a poor man.” meaning – ditch the guy who doesn’t make enough money for you – find you a wealthy dude. since i grew up in the church, and that’s where i heard all that glorious advice, that’s where i heard this one, too – all.the.time.

  5. On #2, there are Christians–particularly in the Middle East and Africa–who subscribe to that. Effectively, women who have been violated are considered unmarriageable.

    Not saying I agree with that–I don’t–but the practice does have cultural precedent. And yes, they are VERY hard on the perps.

  6. I suppose with the right kinds of therapy such a damaged woman may hope for a good relationship in marriage to a man. But very few women get the right therapies. Placed in context, that baggage makes any healthy relationship more difficult than it needs to be. There are some men who thrive on rescuing damaged women, but that isn’t healthy behavior either. There are plenty of other behaviors that are also so damaging to a healthy relationship that they should just stay single and explore other options for a happy life.

    • The “white knight” guys are a whole ‘nother ballgame.

      As for the ladies, people deal with all kinds of baggages in life that make healthy relationships more difficult than they need to be. If everyone who was in that boat had to eschew marriage, then few would get married.

      Moreover, elements such as abuse and molestation will vary in their impact on an individual. I know of women in that boat who have never recovered, even though the particular molestations might have seemed comparatively mild, whereas at least one gal I know–who was raped for years by her own father–ended up marrying happily. Some folks recover more easily than others. Some of that is therapy; some of that is a person’s makeup; some of it is a combination of both.

      I’d say the biggest thing here is the premarital process. Are both parties being honest about their baggage, and also what are their expectations, particularly with respect to sex? If she’s apprehensive about that, then he’s going to have a decision to make: either (a) dump her and marry someone without that kind of baggage, or (b) accept that it will take about ten years before she becomes comfortable having sex with him.

      From the folks I’ve known and what I’ve read, when you’re dealing with someone who has sexual abuse in her background, it takes about 10 years of marriage before she’ll be comfortable getting naked with her husband.

      Prospective husbands will need to decide for themselves whether this is a burden they are ready to carry. Ten years can be a long time if you have a sexless–or marginally sexful–marriage.

      • ” Some folks recover more easily than others. Some of that is therapy; some of that is a person’s makeup; some of it is a combination of both.”

        i would agree with this on multiple levels – not just sex. it’s intriguing (and sometimes infuriating) how different personalities respond to different things. i would add another factor – that of the dimension and personality of the couple together, of their relationship. there are so many things that simply are not an issue with my second husband, all across the marriage board, and it’s so refreshing. not saying he’s perfect and doesn’t drive me bonkers sometimes … just saying he has a great perspective on life and people.

        i’m not a big tv watcher, but i’ve been very intrigued with the new reality show, “Married at First Sight.” it’s been very interesting to see a secular pov of marriage … they hit the nail on the head a lot. of the three couples, there’s one couple in there that does not seem to be able to get on the same page about anything but sex – it’s like they’re living on different planes that will rarely, if ever, tilt enough to intersect. it’s been interesting watching the dynamics of individual personalities, histories, bents, try to blend together in an arranged marriage based on tons of research and expert criteria. very interesting.

    • I say this not to discourage the women, but rather to put the hard truth on the would-be white knight who is romanticizing his role as her healer.

      Like I said, some women will have no problems whatsoever, even after years of profound abuse, whereas others are going to have a hard time even taking their clothes off around their husbands. On average, ten years before things she’s REALLY happy getting naked with him.

      If he’s realistic about what he’s considering–and she’s realistic about both her weaknesses and her willingness to grow into those obligations–then I don’t see a big deal. But he’s going to need a lot more maturity than the average bear would otherwise need while she’s growing into this. If not, they are both going to be very miserable.

      Along those lines, it’s not always easy even for those with little or no sexual baggage. While Driscoll’s book, for example, deals with abuse issues, most of his treatment of sex in his book addresses matters of sexuality that are common among those without sexual abuse.

      The upshot: as jacked up as the Church in the United States is, it’s a miracle that married Christians are the most sexually-satisfied demographic group.

      • “I say this not to discourage the women, but rather to put the hard truth on the would-be white knight who is romanticizing his role as her healer.”

        marriage is not the answer.

        my first husband thought marriage would ‘cure’ his sex addiction – apparently that’s common among sex addicts. his disappointment seeded and grew into very ugly stuff b/c he never dealt with his own issues.

        if expecting marriage to be the be all to end all, one is expecting another fallen human to solve all their problems. doesn’t work that way. we have to deal with our own stuff individually.

        not to say that a marriage cannot be healing … but it should not be the goal to get married to be healed. healing is individual.

  7. Take it from a man who’s made some mistakes, although I’m not sure I would call what I did “playing the field.” Guys, it isn’t worth it.

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