I saw this post earlier today, and considered responding at the earliest opportunity.
First of all, congratulations to Leah Simon (the pseudonym of the heavyset gal who, in spite of the odds, found a guy who was not merely “settling” for her). As I’ve said, people of all life situations–and body types–can and do get married.
While I highly recommend–for those men and women who are able–to exercise good fitness to include weight control, we must always be careful to note that this is not about “you’ll never get married until you get your weight/body fat/BMI down to X”.
(If they can lose some weight through good nutrition and exercise–and many can–it is within their best interests to do so. Otherwise, like Leah, the best you can do is trust God to bring a man your way.)
I would also suggest that this ought to be encouraging to folks like Martha Krienke and Lisa Anderson.
I fell into the hard-to-marry category myself. I was single for almost 43 years. At some point during my 30s, I started to realize that,whenever I met a single gal, I had two strikes on me because I had never been married. Sadly, many of the women who shot me down were also in my age bracket.
(In fact, for those women, I would have been better off having been divorced than single and never married.)
What is my point here? I eventually found someone–14 years my junior–who (a) accepted the same understanding of Biblical roles that I shared, (b) did not discount me due to my age, (c) was willing to give me a fair shake, and (d) fell within my acceptable range of attractiveness.
I’ve told the story before, so I won’t belabor the point.
But yes, I empathize with Martha and Lisa. Especially Lisa. I just hope that Lisa gives would-be suitors a fair shake, like MrsLarijani did. She will likely come across men who are in her age bracket. I hope they do the same for her.
i have a friend in her early forties, knock out dead gorgeous, beautiful face, hair, body, personality, and has never been married, much to her chagrin. my best friend in high school has always struggled w/weight, married 18 years ago, is fairly obese now, they have four kids, and her husband absolutely adores her – is head over heels in love over her.
we should take care of ourselves to the best of our abilities. we should do the best we can with what we’ve got … and then live.
This would probably be a bad time to bring up the normal distribution.
The hot, fit guys who like chunky girls are certainly in the 3rd standard deviation from the mean. Out there with guys who love and want to marry other guys. So, yes, it is possible. It is far more likely to experience lifetime singleness.
Not really a miracle. Certainly an answer to prayer. But for every wide girl getting her prince charming, there are 5 settling for a nice guy who will give her a child or two before he leaves and 50 who get no divine providence at all.
As I posted here, some guys are definitely outside the normal distribution.
Just as you advised women to not act like sluts in order to avoid rape. It is perfectly appropriate to advice single women to make themselves more attractive to the larger population of single men if they want to attract a single man. It is unsaid but implied that after they bag the beast, they should continue to maintain their efforts to please their husband.
Hmm, something wrong with that tag. Sorry.
i am always surprised at the women who want certain things from men, but they don’t think men should expect certain things from them. if there are things that are important to me, and that i value when my husband does them, whatever they are, why would i not expect him to have things he’d like me to do for him?
and the number of men who get married to find their wives changing their wardrobe to fit her taste … and women complain that men want them to dress/look a certain way to fit his taste.
the reality is that we live in a sex-saturated, airbrush world. men need to adjust their expectations to the reality that we women don’t have our own personal make-up artist and hair designer and photography lighting with a fan blowing and spray tan … and women need to adjust their reality to the fact that men are visually attracted to women.
do the best you can with what you’ve got. there are many things we cannot choose about our bodies – but those we can … do the best w/what you’ve been given. then live.
(In fact, for those women, I would have been better off having been divorced than single and never married.)<<
Not to say you didn't find this; I've just found more of the opposite. This may have to do with the kinds of believers we circulate amongst. As a divorced and biblically free man, I've had several women tell me either obliquely or directly that my being divorced is a problem. For one, it was her family; for the others, just being divorced, regardless of how it happened. For some I imagine it was a kind of record of failure — one woman left him for another man, so he must be lacking in some ways. For others though (Librarian, for example, though I purposefully cut that relationship off – she is now married to the one she should be to) she acknowledged that who I am today is the result of a sum of experiences, including the D word. And yes, once I've even gotten the "Maken" treatment from someone.
The worst experience was someone on christian cafe who didn't know me, so to speak, from Adam, yet was comfortable writing me a first contact, several paragraph email cheerfully explaining to me how I had no business being on ChristianCafe as a divorced man, though I note on my profile that I am biblically free, and also that I cannot attempt a relationship with someone who is not. ..Though my ideas are not fully settled as to who fits into that category.
@Professor Hale
MrsLarijani and I had a significant conversation about the article. While I am all for miracle stories like this, I think she and I were also in agreement about how this type of story can be used.
On one hand, I’m all for “tough to marry” types finding their mates. Yes, heavyset folks are definitely behind the 8-ball, and some of them have no control over it. For “Leah” to find a man who was attracted to her as she was/is, that’s–pun not intended–huge.
Still, I can also see where
(a) folks can use a story like that to shame the men who are not attracted to someone who is that gravitationally-challenged;
(b) folks who ARE gravitationally-challenged because of their choices, can use a story like that and then conclude that they don’t have to worry about adjusting their outlooks and repenting of irresponsibility. As a result, such folks run the risk of remaining behind the 8-ball;
(c) a
cynical personrealist can look at that article and contrast that with the piece by Ted Slater that Boundless yanked. Why is it that, when something which reveals a hard but legitimate truth–but which stokes backlash among women–gets pulled whereas (1) Debbie Maken’s one-sided screed still remains and (2) we’re now highlighting stories of a gravitationally-challenged woman who found a man who will, as modern colloqualism suggests, “love her for her”.MrsLarijani was thinking along the lines of (c), and not without good reason.
@Charles
Look at the bright side: she saved you the trouble.
people will often use anything they can to justify their choices .. and that only hurts them, and others. facing our reality sucks sometimes, but it’s better than the lie.
there are things we can change .. that’s what we need to work on.
the things we can’t we need to accept. i have naturally curly hair. if a guy likes that straight hair look, i can straighten it all i want, but i cannot make my hair naturally straight.
“Look at the bright side: She saved you the trouble.”
See, this cheers me immensely. This is good stuff.
In my recent near-divorce experience, I faced the possibility of searching for a new mate. I had to face the facts that as a pudgy, middle aged man without significant wealth and a recent broken relationship in my past, there was very little I had to offer a new partner. Complaining that all women are bitches was not going to change the reality of who I was and what I had to offer.
I had given up my youth, energy, wealth, health and love to another woman for twenty years and they should love me for that or there is something wrong with them.
Professor Hale … both my new husband and myself can completely empathize with you.
“I had given up my youth, energy, wealth, health and love to another woman for twenty years”
me, too … to another man. unfortunately, all i have left are the, well, left-overs. fortunately, my new husband is grateful for what little i have to give. and vice-versa.
***
on a personal note – i’m VERY thankful you did not have to go thru divorce. it’s hell at a whole new level. both my new husband and myself would much rather be married to our first spouses – even though our marriage together is much better – b/c the hell never ends … and some wounds, though somewhat healed, leave dibilitating effects for forever.
Hey Amir, you mentioned, “At some point during my 30s, I started to realize that,whenever I met a single gal, I had two strikes on me because I had never been married.”
One of those was your age, and what was the other factor? Is it something peculiar to capital “E” Evangelicals that makes dating/courting so hysterical and legalistic?
I’ve been on quite a few dates with Christian women over the last six months or so, several from (gosh) Plenty of Fish even, and they didn’t seem to have the massive entitlement complexes which boil over in Boundlesstan. They just wanted to meet their future husbands at some point. While all of them have their faults (and I, as well), there wasn’t this guilt laden screeching moralism that is discussed here. Any ideas? What’s the source of this?
“and they didn’t seem to have the massive entitlement complexes which boil over in Boundlesstan.”
Heh.
@Charles Some people have some real issues with divorce. 1 divorce should not be a dealbreaker if it is for the right reasons. She did not even bother to find out what the real issues were. What she did wasn’t right.
@all
There are many people who carry false attitudes about people and their singleness it’s not right. But beware, some people here have doled out what they have recieved and that isn’t right either.
I’m happy that it worked out for someone. I know many lovely women who are beautiful inside and out who cannot find someone at all. I also know some nice men who don’t seem to be trying with the right women for the right reasons.
I will give a man a fair chance if he is decent and I feel some spark of attraction to him. Unfortunately, even that attitude doesn’t seem to help. Praying doesn’t seem to work, and the scriptures seems silent.
I feel like I might have to start posting anonymously here because I have been judged pretty harshly in really mean ways about whether or not – while none of you know me personally or have ever met me – I’m even worth marrying or getting to know.
But realistically, if someone is judgemental and harsh about who they will accept in their lives, please realize, they think they are protecting themselves and their interests. We aren’t talking about casual friendship or work relationships, this is someone who you sleep in the same bed with and raise children with. This isn’t about game and stupid “shit tests.”
@tannen
Personally, I think my height was problematic: I had several gals turn me down on that count.
Also, I was probably closer to the “Christian nice guy” during most of my 20s. It wasn’t till I passed age 30 that I woke up and smelled the napalm.
The sense of entitlement seemed huge among the gals I met in the evangelical ranks. VERY huge.
I won’t say that my experiences are scientific–they’re not–but that is what I saw.
@ReconsDad
“…woke up and smelled the napalm,” hah! Good one for Sunday morning Bible study. ….smells like…..victory! (bad Robert Duvall impression 😉 )
What is taken to be “nice” behavior isn’t really.
You aren’t “nice” if you let people walk all over you.
You aren’t “nice” if you just go along with everyone else’s opnion.
You aren’t “nice” if you can’t ask for a date with confidence.
You aren’t “nice” if you secretly want to slap people and carry that anger with you.
You aren’t “nice” if you criticize your girlfriend.
You aren’t “nice” if you don’t talk to the fat or less attractive girls and only spend time flirting with the ones you think are cute.
You aren’t “nice” if you go out of your way all the time when you have a crush on a woman.
You aren’t “nice” if you yell at her and tell her that you would never treat her the way the guy she likes is treating her. Yelling isn’t nice. I actually had that happen to me.
You aren’t “nice” just because she said that’s why she’s breaking it off or doesn’t want to date you. It’s just the most reasonable way of letting someone down. They might be afraid of making you angry.
You aren’t “nice” if you make fun of people.
You aren’t “nice” if you are boring and haven’t cultivated many interests.
You aren’t “nice” if you have trouble talking to people.
@Tannen your height isn’t a problem for all women. One of the problems on those dating sites is that men lie about their height. 5’6″ isn’t a problem, but if a man were to say he’s 5’6″ and he’s really 5’4″ it IS a problem. So women have learned to assume that men lie about their height by 2 inches ( or more.)
There are some very attractive short men out there. Martin Gore of Depeche Mode is 5’6″ The lead singer of Violent Femmes was only 5’4″.
@Savvy
That’s true: it isn’t a problem for every woman. MrsLarijani is slighty taller than I am, and still decided she wanted to put up with me. (YES!!!)
It’s a problem for enough women that it represents a tick in the britches of men who are vertically challenged, though.
Every guy looks sexier with a guitar in his hands, in a fire fighter’s uniform, reading poetry on a stage, in a suit, etc. Peacocks aren’t actually very big, but when they fluff up their tails, it makes them seem huge. The more skills a guy has, the bigger his plumage. Napoleon Dynamite was right, Chicks dig guys that have skills.
@Savvy
I’m not worried about my height. If one brings a varied and interesting bag of person to the encounter as I do, it’s a matter of hitting it off or not. Fellow believers should edify each other in their faith regardless of it they “dig” each other or not. I think we both know that 😉 . Savs, you’ve been underground for a while BTW. All ok?
@Savvy
What the heck are you talking about?
It’s becoming obvious that you always have to have the last word on every issue. It’s more annoying than edifying. We’d all appreciate it if you either (1) Contribute productively to the conversation or (2) Go away.