~ I love being married … to my New Husband 🙂
.
~ There’s a stark difference between being with a man who is an abusive sex addict and being with a healthy man (a whole nother post if ever interested).
.
~ Technology is NOT my friend this week – lightning fried my home pc and my cell phone decided to go swimming.
.
~ Blending a family is a lot of work.
.
~ My New Husband lifts me up and encourages me. This has been a difficult week going back and forth to my ‘old’ house and packing and moving and dealing with whiny kids who are emotionally having a difficult time with the back and forth b/c it’s like the good-bye doesn’t end. This morning he said to me as he kissed me good-bye before going to work, “I’m proud of you.” He sees what I do, and he appreciates it.
.
~ I wish I’d met this man 20 some years ago.
.
~ The explanation of this is also another post … but I wish I didn’t have the memories of a previous marriage, especially since there are so many negative ones. I’m slowly, very slowly, relaxing into my New Husband’s kindness and gentleness, very slowly letting go of fears my first husband built into me.
.
~ A great sense of humor, especially in marriage, is powerfully good 🙂
This morning he said to me as he kissed me good-bye before going to work, “I’m proud of you.”
*dreamy sigh*
I’m so happy for you! (thanks for giving me something to look forward to!)
A good man is a wonderfully healing thing. This is true.
. . . I am glad though that I didn’t meet Amir 20 years ago.
That would have not been socially acceptable. My parents would have had him arrested.
@The future Mrs. Larijani
Yeah…20 years ago, that would have been a felony.
*meeting* him would have been okay … but not entering into a relationship with the intention of marriage! (envisioning this young Amir loaded with artilary busting out of jail to save his beloved)
***
yes … i’m amazed at how healing this relationship is. his patience seems to have no end (though i have no intention of ‘testing’ that) … and his love is unconditional. i know God is using him as a willing vessel to heal me and to reveal His love for me in tangible Ame-ways (a desire of my heart for many, many years)
new Amir looks like the young Amir, only now he has more gray hair, more cats, and lots more artillery than ever before…
woo hoo! then i’d be able to see the explosion from texas!
“more artillery than ever before”
That’s because he’s stockpiling. 😉
I remember the young Amir as a jolly, rolly-polly guy with a beard who was a disaffected Republican; now he looks like an illustration you might find in a NOW fund-raising letter warning about “angry white males”……. :>P
@Rev. Russ Westbrook
The young Amir–circa 1985-1992, was quite fit, had more facial hair, and was even more of a firebrand.
I’m happy for you. But this is also the honest rub to the single person. Not just me. Sometimes I feel like I have to whine and mope on behalf of everyone–perhaps why I do it so much, hence the blog, etc. You get talk about how happy you are and how much you love your husband and I (and all others) still get wonder why we haven’t met someone, where to go to meet someone, and if this person even exists. I know it’s tough to blend a family–way tougher than it ever seemed on the Brady Bunch.
I shared that I have a blog post about my friend who is becoming a nun–she takes her final vows next month. It is so beautiful when it is chosen and when it’s right. I got the invitation to the ceremony. I wonder if she will be disappointed that I am still single.
And yes, Amir, you’d have had to kill yourself for going after her 20 years ago, LOL, since that’s what you want to do to all of those bad people.
@Savvy
You’ll find one. Right now, I would suggest that you stick to the path that is going to be conducive to being a good Christian wife.
I’m NOT saying, however, that the reason you are not married is that you are not “right with God”. After all, I know any number of Christian couples who themselves would make you look like a model of Christian piety.
Still, I say this because, for now, you must focus on the things you can control. You don’t know when you’re going to find a good guy any more than Abraham knew when God was going to give him a son. (Well…he DID find out a year before it finally happened. )
Speaking of Abraham, keep in mind that 25 years elapsed from the time that God called him–and made the initial promise that he would be the father of many generations–and when He actually gave him a son through an old, bitchy, cynical wife who laughed when God made the promise.
And Abraham was no better, as–during that 25 years, he (a) lied to two kings, and (b) had a child through his maid, which has resulted in the instability in the Middle East that we see today. He even doubted God at least once.
There was nothing in Abraham that made him worthy of God, and yet God delivered.
The timetable, on the other hand, was not the script he would have preferred. Still, it was God’s job, done on God’s clock, and the end-result was God’s glory.
Abraham went from an unsteady follower who couldn’t tell the truth under pressure and who doubted God, to someone who was willing to sacrifice his own son on orders from God, knowing that God would provide a way.
I don’t like having to wait until age 42 to get someone to propose to, any more than Abraham enjoyed waiting until age 100 to have his first son. I don’t like that Cubbie or you or Singleman or Learner or myself has had the breaks that we have had in life, on this and other fronts.
Still, there are no guarantees of an easy life in Scripture. I decided, long ago, that I have three choices:
(a) I can shake my fist at God, and stop following Him altogether.
(b) I can decide that God isn’t as He says He is, and become a false teacher promoting an impotent God. Russ and I know a seminary professor who went that route after his wife died of cancer.
(c) I can do as Job did and keep following God, even though I may not get all the answers that I want on the terms that I would like them.
I opted for (c), even though–like Abraham–I am anything but pristine white and–unlike Abraham–I lack the faith to go offer a child up as a sacrifice.
As for now, I’m not out of the woods on the marriage front. Catastrophes happen. And it WOULD take a catastrophe…
Still, I choose not to live in fear of things I cannot control.
@Savvy
Keep in mind, however, that Ame’s journey has been downright nasty. She’s a couple years older than I am, was married for 20 years before her husband self-destructed in a longstanding sex addiction.
Even after the divorce, legal issues arose–the details to which I am familiar but am not at liberty to discuss–that would make yours look like a walk in the park. The financial ramifications–to which I am also familiar but cannot speak–were also devastating.
So yes…Ame has found someone. I am happy–VERY much so–for her. Trust me on this, though: I would rather get skinned alive than go through what she had to go through in her journey.
Savvy –
A sincere question on my part: what joy, fulfillment, etc. do you get out of harboring bitterness?
I understand the frustration. Believe me, I understand. There is a friend of mine that is getting married in less than two weeks. She loves Jesus, but has some major personal hygene issues. She’s also a tad socially awkward. She ended up meeting someone and getting engaged long before I did. Needless to say, swallowing my pride to offer a sincere “congratulations!” was more than a little difficult.
This girl – Tango – had a reaction very similar to yours when a mutual friend of ours was engaged/getting married. Really, it was painful for me to listen to when she was harboring bitterness over what she didn’t have instead of being joyful for my friend. I was in my friend’s wedding and was doing everything I could to keep bitterness at bay.
With all of the weddings and bridal showers that have taken place in my church over the last 5 years – I would estimate it has been no less than at least 2 dozen – I have had times where I just mope and feel sorry for myself.
However
If I had the time to go to a bridal shower or baby shower I did. I can’t go to every single one, but I go to the ones that I can.
If my schedule is free, I go to the weddings. I participate in the celebrations.
One of the best conclusions I came to as a single person – and only Jesus could have led me to this place – was that if someone has to be happy, it might as well be my friends. I don’t want my friends to be miserable and alone. I want good things for them.
This is, in large part, why Amir’s affections have been so difficult for me to accept and believe. I am used to that sort of attention being reserved and aimed toward other people.
One of the best pieces of advice/counsel that my pastor gives is “Whenever you recognize a sin, don’t just put away the sin, but cultivate the opposite virture of that sin”. The Gospel doesn’t just free us from sin, it frees us to pursue righteousness.
If I’m lonely, I seek to serve.
If I’m bitter, I look for ways to encourage others.
If I’m anxious, I thank God for the good things in my life.
I don’t say this to pretend what a wonderful Christian I am. I am most certainly not! The three sins listed above are only three of the areas in which I need some work. I say this to encourage you to look for ways to escape your bitterness.
Savvy- i understand. it is really, really hard. fighting the lonliness and bitterness and anger and frustration and … and … and … it takes more than we have. i know it sounds trite, but really and truly, only God, ONLY God, can enable anyone to get thru these times.
i have six or seven really good, life-long, forever friends. we all married about the same time … most had babies before i … several have babies who are in college now. i went thru infertility. i was married 11 years before i had my first baby. all of my best friends grew up in loving homes with two healthy parents who love them and are still very active in their lives. i grew up in a very abusive home with two selfish parents who have never been involved in my life. all of my best friends are still married to their wonderful first husbands. my first husband, as amir said, was terrible and inflicted deep wounds into my already wounded life. he has created nothing but hell since our divorce, and there is more he’s done this week that amir doesn’t know about. my second daughter has special needs that she will never outgrow and that will continue to make her life extremely challenging … and ours, too. i don’t have one friend who knows what i go thru with her, alone, who would trade places with me. my faith, which i thought was unshakable, was shattered about a year and a half ago while i lay with my daughter night after night while she cried in pain that the physicians could not diagnose, tears silently falling from my cheeks on her pillow as i held her, crying and praying to God to heal her … until she said, “Mommy, stop praying that. God’s not going to heal me.” and my faith was shattered, my hope began to wane. i believe in God. i know God is God. and i know God can … but i also know He sometimes chooses not to. i cannot explain, for i cannot understand the mind and ways of God.
when i was at my lowest, a place that would shock most, i met my new husband. why God chose to draw me up from such a desperate place through a man is beyond me … especially since all the men in my life had so greatly abused me. but He did. and God is healing me through my new husband. not only that, but God is showing both my girls and me what it looks like to be loved, purely.
there is another post for another time about accepting the goodness of God while others are still in pain … that has been a difficult journey for me (if i forget to write it, pls remind me)
all this to say … we do not minimize your pain … we weep with you when you weep. and we will also rejoice with you when you rejoice. God is good. all the time God is good, whether we know it or not does not change this truth. and God is more good than life is hard or bad .. and life is really, really, really hard … and sometimes bad.
we need to weep with those who weep … and rejoice with those who rejoice. truly, it is a spiritual thing to be able to do either, regardless of whether one is in a place of weeping or rejoicing in their own, personal life.
@Amir – thank you … granted i’m exhausted from packing and moving today and dealing with whiny kids who are exhausted emotionally and physically … but your comment made me cry. thank you.
@The future Mrs. Larijani
Part of the reason why I do this is because I feel strongly that the church needs to be aware. It’s natural to talk about relationships. If you don’t have one, everyone chimes in with “helpful” advice that will solve Y-O-U-R. I care about you guys and your happiness.
@The future Mrs. Larijani
It’s natural to talk about relationships. That’s what all of you are doing. If you don’t have one, everyone chimes in with “helpful” advice that will solve Y-O-U-R problem. (You see because it’s only Y-O-U. It couldn’t possibly be all of society going wonky.)
I care about you guys and your happiness. I’m not just whining and moping for myself. I do it for others too, or else why bother. I’m not saying I’m unique or special. My pain is not greater or less than anyone else’s, in fact it’s quite COMMON. When I can, I spare most of the details because I hate giving in to my full neurosis. But sometimes I can write some damn funny stuff on my blog like Advice-be-gone, the new fragrance for singles. And sometimes I write stuff that is very beautiful-like about my friend becoming a nun.
Amir,
“(a) I can shake my fist at God, and stop following Him altogether.
(b) I can decide that God isn’t as He says He is, and become a false teacher promoting an impotent God. Russ and I know a seminary professor who went that route after his wife died of cancer.
(c) I can do as Job did and keep following God, even though I may not get all the answers that I want on the terms that I would like them.
That is some serious and beautiful truth bro.
my full comment got cut off. Something about everyone trying to solve “your” problems and it couldn’t be all of society gone wonky. I just had another guy tell me I should just “have fun” I said I have lots of fun, but you mean “have sex” and I don’t think that they should mean the same thing. SO tired of having to say these things and I don’t want to catch any diseases with someone I barely know and don’t know if I can trust. I wrote about all of this kind of stuff already on the blog.
Savvy – have been reading along on your blog (till this week as i’m moving … haven’t been reading any blogs)
stick to your guns. don’t let these fools wear you down. don’t let satan win. you are right; they are wrong.
@Ame
Love you lots!!